НАЗВАНИЕ: Adaptation. (2002)
ГОД: 2002
СЦЕНАРИСТ: Charlie Kaufman and Susan Orlean
ИСТОЧНИК: ScriptSlug (PDF) — https://www.scriptslug.com/script/adaptation-2002
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СКАЧАНО: 2026-10-12 11:49
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======================================================================

   ADAPTATION
                by

Charlie Kaufman and Donald Kaufman

       adapted from the book

       THE ORCHID THIEF

                by

           Susan Orlean




                               Revised - November 21, 2000
1   EXT. PLANET - DAY                                               1

    SUBTITLE: THE EARTH

    From space the Earth is brown and meteor-scarred. We move in        *
    until we are on its endlessly barren and lifeless surface.
    The atmosphere is hazy, toxic-looking. Volcanoes erupt.
    Meteors bombard. Lightning strikes, concussing murky pools
    of water. All this in silence.

2   INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING                          2

    SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CA, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATER

    Beamed ceiling, ostentatious fireplace. A few birthday cards        *
    on the mantel, two of them identical: "To Our Dear Son on His
    Fortieth Birthday." Charlie Kaufman, a fat, balding man in a
    purple sweater with tags still attached, paces. His
    incantational voice-over carpets this and every scene he's          *
    in. It is at times barely audible, but always present.              *

                        KAUFMAN (V.O.)
              I'm old. I'm fat. I'm bald.                               *
                  (reaches for notebook, catches
                   sight of bare feet)
              My toenails have turned strange. I am                     *
              old. I am --                                              *
                  (flips through notebook, paces)
              I have nothing. She'll think I'm an                       *
              idiot. Why couldn't I stay on that diet?                  *
              She'll pretend not to be disappointed,
              but I'll see that look, that look --                      *
                  (passes mirror, glances quickly
                   at reflection, looks away)
              God, I'm repulsive.
                  (another glance)                                      *
              But as repulsive as I think? My Body                      *
              Dysmorphic Disorder confuses everything.
              I mean, I know people call me Fatty                       *
              behind my back. Or Fatso. Or,
              facetiously, Slim. But I also realize                     *
              this is my own perverted form of self-
              aggrandizement, that no one talks about
              me at all. What possible interest is an
              old, bald, fat man to anyone?                             *

3   EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - DAWN                                       3

    A lonely two-lane highway cutting through swampland.




                                                      (CONTINUED)
                                                                              pg. 2
3   CONTINUED:                                                         3


                        BRITISH NARRATOR
              As natural selection works solely by and
              for the good of each being, all corporeal
              and mental endowments will tend to
              progress towards perfection.

    Suddenly, a beat-up white van barrels around a curve.       It's
    followed closely by an old green Ford.

    SUBTITLE: STATE ROAD 29, FLORIDA, FIVE YEARS EARLIER

4   INT. WHITE VAN - CONTINUOUS                                           4

    John Laroche, a skinny man with no front teeth, drives. The                 *
    van is piled with bags of potting soil, gardening junk. A
    Writings of Charles Darwin audio cassette case is on the seat
    next to Laroche.

                           BRITISH NARRATOR
                 It is interesting to contemplate an
                 entangled bank, clothed with many plants
                 of many kinds, with birds singing...

    Laroche tries to contemplate the plants and birds whizzing
    by. Almost too late, he spots the Fakahatchee Strand State
    Preserve sign and makes a squealing right onto the dirt road
    turn-off. The cassette case flies from the seat and half-
    buries itself in an open bag of peat.

5   INT. GREEN FORD - CONTINUOUS                                          5

    Nirvana blasts. Russell, Vinson, and Randy, three young
    Indian men, pass a joint and watch the erratic van ahead.

                        RUSSELL
              Laroche is asleep at the wheel.

                        RANDY
              Crazy White Man is now Drowsy White Man.

    They share a stoned laugh.

6   EXT. NEW YORK OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT                                 6

    SUBTITLE: NEW YORKER MAGAZINE, TWO YEARS LATER

    Late night street. The click-click of typing. We move
    slowly up the building to the only glowing window.




                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 3
6   CONTINUED:                                                      6


                        ORLEAN (O.S.)
                  (wistful)
              John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
              stick, pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered and
              sharply handsome despite the fact that he
              is missing all his front teeth.                             *

7   INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS                                        7

    We glide over a desk piled with orchid books, past a photo of         *
    Laroche tacked to an overwhelmed bulletin board, and come to
    rest on a woman typing. It's Susan Orlean: pale, delicate
    and blond. We lose ourselves in her melancholy beauty.

                           ORLEAN (V.O.)
                 I went to Florida two years ago to write                 *
                 a piece for the New Yorker. It was after                 *
                 reading a small article about a white man                *
                 and three Seminole men arrested with rare
                 orchids they'd stolen out of a place
                 called...                                                *

8   INT. RANGER'S TRUCK - MID-MORNING                               8

    Tony, a ranger, drives past the Fakahatchee Strand State              *
    Preserve sign and enters the swamp. He sees the white van
    and Ford parked ahead, spots a Seminole license plate on the
    Ford. He pulls over down the road, whispers into his C.B.             *

                        TONY
              We got Seminoles, in the swamp.

    Tony waits for a response.    Nothing.

                        TONY (cont'd)
              I repeat, Indians in the swamp.

    Tony clears his throat into the radio.

                        RADIO VOICE
              I don't know what you want me to say.

                        TONY
              Barry, Indians do not go on swamp walks.
              If there are Indians in the swamp, they
              are in there for a reason.

    No response. Tony glowers, gets out of the truck, watches
    the vehicles through binoculars. Nothing. He straightens
    his cap. Mosquitoes land on his neck, his nose, his lips.
                                                                              pg. 4



9   INT. L.A. BUSINESS LUNCH RESTAURANT - MIDDAY                          9

    Kaufman, wearing his purple sweater sans tags, sits with
    Valerie, an attractive woman in wire-rim glasses. They pick
    at salads. Kaufman steals glances at her lips, her hair, her
    breasts. She looks up at him. He blanches, looks down.                      *

                        KAUFMAN
              She looked at my hairline. She thinks                             *
              I'm old. She thinks I'm fat. She --                               *

                        VALERIE
              We think you're great.                                            *

                        KAUFMAN
              Oh, thanks, wow. That's nice to hear.

    A rivulet of sweat slides down his forehead. Valerie watches                *
    it. Kaufman sees her watching it. She sees him seeing her
    watching it. She looks at her salad. He quickly swabs.

                        VALERIE
              We all just loved the Malkovich script.                           *

                           KAUFMAN
              Thank you.     That's... I appreciate that.                       *

                        VALERIE
                  (still looking at her salad)
              Such a unique voice. Boy, I'd love to                             *
              find a portal into your brain.                                    *

                        KAUFMAN                                                 *
                  (laughing)                                                    *
              Trust me, it's no fun.                                            *

                        VALERIE                                                 *
                  (laughs)                                                      *
              So you're in production, right?                                   *

                        KAUFMAN
              Yeah, it is. They are.     We are.                                *

                        VALERIE
              That must be so exciting.                                         *

                           KAUFMAN
              Yeah                                                              *

    Uncomfortable silence.    Kaufman tries to fill it.                         *

                        KAUFMAN (cont'd)
              It's exciting to see one's work produced.                         *

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 5
9   CONTINUED:                                                         9


                        VALERIE                                              *
                  (looking up)                                               *
              I bet.
                  (looking up)
              So --

    Kaufman looks up, too. His brow is dripping again.       Valerie         *
    pretends not to notice.                                                  *

                           VALERIE (cont'd)                                  *
                 Good. So, tell me your thoughts on this
                 crazy little project of ours.

    In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
    entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.

                        KAUFMAN
              First, I think it's a great book.

                           VALERIE
                 Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?

    Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of               *
    author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover.                   *

                        KAUFMAN
              Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
              fascinating. Plus her musings on
              Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
              Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
              want to remain true to that, let the
              movie exist rather than be artificially
              plot driven.

                        VALERIE
              Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not                            *
              exactly sure what that means.

                           KAUFMAN
                 Oh. Well... I like to let my work                           *
                 evolve, so I'd want to go into it with                      *
                 sort of open-ended kind of... and also                      *
                 not force it into a typical movie form.                     *

                           VALERIE
                 Oh. That sounds interesting... what                         *
                 you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.

                           KAUFMAN
                     (blurting)
                 It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
                 making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
                 orchid heist movie or something.
                           (MORE)
                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 6
9    CONTINUED: (2)                                                  9
                         KAUFMAN (cont'd)
               Or changing the orchids into poppies and
               turning it into a movie about drug
               running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
               movie simply about flowers? That's all.

                         VALERIE
               That's what we're thinking.   Definitely.                    *

                         KAUFMAN
               Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car                    *
               chases, or guns. Or characters learning
               profound life lessons. Or growing or                         *
               coming to like each other or overcoming
               obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
               The book isn't like that. Life isn't
               like that. It just isn't. I feel very                        *
               strongly about this.                                         *

     Kaufman is sweating like crazy now. Valerie is quiet. We               *
     hear Kaufman's self-flagellating voice-over through the                *
     silence, but we can't make out the words. Then:                        *

                         VALERIE
               I guess we thought maybe Susan Orlean and                    *
               Laroche could fall in and --                                 *

                         KAUFMAN
               Okay, but to me -- this alienated                            *
               journalist writing about a passionate                        *
               backwoods guy and he teaches her to love--
               that's like... fake. I mean, it didn't
               happen. It wouldn't happen.                                  *

10   INT. OFFICE - DAY                                               10

     SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, THREE WEEKS EARLIER

     The office is decorated with potted flowers, Audubon posters,
     lots of books. Margaret, a soulful development executive,
     unpack boxes. Kaufman appears in the open doorway. In the              *
     hall behind him are framed posters for action movies.                  *

                         KAUFMAN
               Knock knock.

     Margaret turns.

                         MARGARET
               Char-lay Kauf-man!

     She hugs him enthusiastically.




                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 7
10   CONTINUED:                                                        10


                          MARGARET (cont'd)
               What are you doing in this Godforsaken
               hell-hole?

                         KAUFMAN
               Meeting upstairs.                                              *

                         MARGARET
                   (mock impressed)
               Ooh, with Robert? Oooh.                                        *

                         KAUFMAN
                   (smiles, nods)                                             *
               So... just wanted to say hello,                                *
               congratulate you on the promotion.
               Pretty fancy office, Margie!

                         MARGARET
               Well, thanks. It's all so stupid.

                             KAUFMAN
                  It's great. Are you kidding? I saw your
                  photo in Variety and everything. Very                       *
                  very cool.

                            MARGARET
                  Oh, God, such an awful picture.

                            KAUFMAN
                  You looked great.

                           MARGARET
                  Anyway. So what's with you?   Come in,
                  man. Take a load off.

     Kaufman enters, sits on the couch.    Margaret closes the door.

                            MARGARET (cont'd)
                      (mock whisper)
                  Lousy with spies.

     Kaufman laughs. Margaret sits down next to him.       He tenses
     at the closeness, covers by talking.                                     *

                            KAUFMAN
                  I'm considering jobs. Mostly crap.
                  There's one you might like, about
                  flowers.

                             MARGARET
                  Flowers?   Really?                                          *



                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 8
10   CONTINUED: (2)                                                10


                         KAUFMAN
               Demme's company wants to adapt this book                   *
               The Orchid Thief. About orchids.

                          MARGARET
               Cool.   You should definitely do it.                       *

     Kaufman is thrilled; he's scored.

                         KAUFMAN
               I loved the book is all.                                   *

                         MARGARET
               I'll read it. You're all the
               recommendation I need.
                   (presses button on phone)
               Andy, could you get a book called The
               Orchid Thief by...                                         *

                         KAUFMAN
               Susan Orlean.

                         MARGARET
               Susan Orlean. Thanks.
                   (hangs up, smiles at him)                              *
               If anyone could figure out how to do a
               movie about flowers, it would be you.

                          KAUFMAN
               I dunno.   I'd like to try.   Y'know?

                         MARGARET
               You should. Jesus, somebody needs to                       *
               save us all. And it sounds exciting, to                    *
               immerse yourself in a real subject and                     *
               learn everything about it. Get paid for                    *
               it! Charlie! Not this movie bullshit,                      *
               sex and drug deals and violence.
                   (looks up at ceiling and yells)                        *
               God, Robert, I'm so sick of it!                            *

                         KAUFMAN
                   (looking at ceiling)                                   *
               Margaret.                                                  *

                         MARGARET
               I don't care.                                              *
                   (looking up, yelling)                                  *
               I don't care, Robert!                                      *
                   (back to Kaufman)                                      *
               Hey, you know that Blake line about                        *
               seeing heaven in a wild flower? That's
               the fucking truth, man.                                    *

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 9
10   CONTINUED: (3)                                                 10


                            KAUFMAN
               I know.                                                     *

                         MARGARET
               I know you know.                                            *
                   (conspiratorially)                                      *
               After you learn all this flower stuff,                      *
               you can teach me.                                           *

                         KAUFMAN
                   (thrilled but controlled)
               That'd be fun.                                              *

11   EXT. MURKY POOL OF WATER - DAY                                 11

     SUBTITLE: THE EARTH, THREE BILLION YEARS AGO

     We move into the pool, closer, closer, until we see a single-
     cell organism multiplying. Soon there are millions of them.           *

12   EXT. SWAMP - MORNING                                           12

     Hot, dirty, miserable. Laroche leads the Indians through
     waist-high black water. He points out a turtle on a rock.

                         LAROCHE
               Pseudemys floridana. Did you fellas know
               you fellas believe the world rests on the
               back of a turtle? Not you fellas
               specifically. Although, maybe you fellas
               specifically. That I can't speak to.

     The Indians ignore him. They trudge. Laroche spots
     something else, a dull green root wrapped around a tree. He
     stops, circles the tree. His eyes widen in reverent awe.

                            LAROCHE (cont'd)
               A ghost.     Polyrrhiza Lindenii.
     The Indians come around. Laroche stares at a single
     beautiful, glowing white flower hanging from the tree.   He
     tenderly caresses the petals. Then, business-like:

                         LAROCHE (cont'd)
               Cut it down, Russell.

     Russell pulls out a hacksaw, begins sawing through the tree.

13   INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAY                                       13

     Kaufman still sweats as he talks to Valerie.



                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 10
13   CONTINUED:                                                      13


                         KAUFMAN
               ...plus I love the idea of learning all
               about orchids and trying to do something                      *
               simple. My stuff tends to be weird.                           *

                         VALERIE
               But not weird for weird's sake.                               *

                         KAUFMAN
               Thanks. That's nice to hear. But I'm
               ready to challenge myself. I don't want                       *
               to get by on quirkiness. I don't want to                      *
               fall back on weirdness the way other                          *
               writers fall back on sex and violence. I                      *
               want to think differently.                                    *

                         VALERIE
               Adapting someone else's work is certainly
               an opportunity to think differently.

                         KAUFMAN
               Yeah. I'd like to take something real                         *
               like orchids and show people how profound                     *
               they are. It's like, show people heaven                       *
               in a wildflower. As Blake said.

14   INT. PET STORE (1972) - DAY                                     14

     SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TWENTY-SIX YEARS EARLIER

     A serious ten year old boy walks from cage to aquarium,
     studying the inhabitants. He turns to his frumpy mother, who            *
     is sitting with a frail, listless, anemic-looking little                *
     girl. The girl rests her head on the mother's shoulder.                 *

                         BOY
               Any animal at all, ma?                                        *

     She nods sweetly. The boy returns to his search.     He stops
     at a small turtle in an aquarium.

                         BOY (cont'd)
               I want a turtle then. This one.                               *

                         MOTHER
                   (hugging him)
               A wonderful choice!
                   (to the girl)                                             *
               Don't you think so, Diane?                                    *

     The glassy-eyed girl doesn't respond.   The mother strokes the          *
     girl's hair as she talks to the boy.                                    *


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 11
14   CONTINUED:                                                      14


                         MOTHER (cont'd)                                     *
               And spiritually significant. Did you                          *
               know Native Americans believe the whole                       *
               world rests on the back of a turtle?

                           BOY
               Cool!    I can't wait to tell the guys!                       *

15   EXT. SWAMP - MORNING                                             15

     As Laroche supervises, Randy, Russell, and Vinson saw through
     tree branches supporting lovely flowering orchids. They
     unceremoniously stuff the flowers into bulging pillowcases.

16   INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - EVENING                               16

     Kaufman eats with Margaret.       Margaret raises a glass.

                            MARGARET
                  To a fucking awesome assignment, man.
                  The book is just amazing. I can't thank
                  you enough for telling me about it.

     Kaufman, thrilled, clicks glasses.

                            KAUFMAN
                  God, I'm just so pleased you liked it.
                      (He takes a breath)
                  Hey, I'm going to an orchid show in Santa                  *
                  Barbara on Sunday? For research? Maybe                     *
                  you'll come?

                            MARGARET
                  Absolutely.

                            KAUFMAN
                  Great! Great! We could have breakfast
                  first or whatever?

                            MARGARET
                  That sounds nice. I think David, this
                  guy I'm seeing, would enjoy it, too.
                  He's a naturalist. Okay if he comes?                       *

                            KAUFMAN
                      (covering heartbreak)
                  Yeah, of course. Sure.

                            MARGARET
                  He wants to meet you anyway. All I do is
                  tell him how great you are. He probably
                  hates you already.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 12
16   CONTINUED:                                                      16


                            KAUFMAN
               Oh, okay.     That sounds good.

                         MARGARET
               You'll like him. He's just honest and
               smart. I'm sure you know, it's
               impossible to find someone in this town
               who thinks about things other than the
               fucking business.

                            KAUFMAN
                  He sounds great.

                            MARGARET
                  Like the other day we were in bed
                  discussing Hegel. Hegel! In bed! After
                  really hot sex! Like my dream come true.
                  I mean, in this goddamn town?
                      (marvels at this for a moment,
                       then:)
                  Have you read much?

                            KAUFMAN
                  Y'know, a long time ago.   A bit.   Y'know.

                         MARGARET
               Well, anyway, David and I were joking
               about the Philosophy of History. You've
               read that, right?

                         KAUFMAN
               Um, long time ago, so...

                         MARGARET
               So I was lying there...                                       *

     The entrees arrive.                                                     *

                         MARGARET (cont'd)                                   *
               ... kind of post-coital dreamy....                            *
                   (to waiter)                                               *
               Thanks.                                                       *
                   (to Kaufman)                                              *
               ... and I was suddenly struck by how                          *
               profound the notion is that history is a
               human construct...

     Kaufman begins the laborious task of getting through his
     plate of food. He can no longer look up at Margaret.

                             KAUFMAN
                  Uh-huh.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 13
16   CONTINUED: (2)                                                     16


                         MARGARET
               ... that nature doesn't exist
               historically, but rather cyclically. So
               whereas human history spirals forward,
               building upon itself, nature...

17   EXT. OCEAN - DAY                                                   17      *

     SUBTITLE: EARTH, ONE BILLION YEARS EARLIER

     Odd, small blind jellyfish collide, recoil, and hover.                     *

18   INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAY                                        18

     Kaufman grabs some orchid books off the shelf, carries them
     to the register, along with a book on Hegel which features an
     engraving of the philosopher on the cover. Kaufman waits in
     line and watches a tattooed female cashier flirting with the
     handsome guy ahead of him. With every fiber of his being, he
     studies their interaction, the way she looks at him, the body
     language. Her eyes, her lips. The guy finally leaves and
     the cashier waves Kaufman over. As she rings him up, she
     expresses no interest in him. He's hurt and fixates on a
     sexy flower tattoo on her arm. She pulls down her sleeve.

19   EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNING                                  19

     Tony waits, sweaty and mosquito bitten.      The radio crackles.

                         RADIO VOICE
               How's that Injun round-up going, Tony?                           *

     Rustling near the parked cars. Tony tenses. Laroche steps
     from the swamp with the Indians, who haul the pillowcases.

                            TONY (cont'd)                                       *
                      (into the radio, pleased)
               Ha!                                                              *

     Tony jumps into the truck and turns it around.

20   INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                    20

     Orlean types. Her delicate fingers move with a pianist's
     grace across the computer keyboard.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               Orchid hunting is a mortal occupation.

21   EXT. TROPICAL RIVER - DAY                                          21

     SUBTITLE: ORINOCO RIVER, ONE HUNDRED YEARS EARLIER


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 14
21   CONTINUED:                                                     21


     An overturned boat and uprooted orchids float on the river.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               The Victorian-era orchid hunter William
               Arnold drowned on a collecting
               expedition.

22   EXT. CLIFF - DAY                                               22

     SUBTITLE: SIERRA LEONE

     A man lies at the bottom of a cliff, clutching a flower.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               Schroeder fell to his death.                                 *

23   OMITTED                                                        23      *

24   EXT. RIVER - DAY                                               24

     SUBTITLE: YANGTZE RIVER

     An emaciated, limping, wheezing man with a makeshift bandage
     wrapped around his head, docks his boat.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               Augustus Margary survived toothache,
               rheumatism, pleurisy, and dysentery...

     Someone steps from behind a bush, stabs him, steals his boat.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               ... only to be murdered when he completed
               his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo.

     The murderer sails down river.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               Laroche loved orchids but I came to
               believe he loved the difficulty and
               fatality of getting them almost as much
               as he loved the orchids themselves.

25   EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNING                              25

     Tony steps out of his truck.   Laroche smiles warmly.

                         TONY
               Morning. May I ask what you gentlemen
               have in those pillowcases?

                         LAROCHE
               Yes, sir, you absolutely may.

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 15
25   CONTINUED:                                                     25


     Laroche goes back to directing the Indians.    Tony's confused.

                         TONY
               Okay, I'm asking then.

                         LAROCHE
               Oh, Okay then! Let's see...
                   (peeking in bags)
               Five kinds of bromeliad, one peperomia,
               nine orchid varieties. About a hundred
               and thirty plants all told, which my
               colleagues have removed from the swamp.

                         TONY
               You're aware that it's illegal to remove
               plants or animals from state owned land?

                         LAROCHE
               And don't forget these plants are all
               endangered, sir. Every one of them.

                         TONY
               Exactly. Well, that's exactly the issue.
               This is a state preserve.

                            LAROCHE
                  Yes, sir, it is.
                      (afterthought)
                  Oh, and my colleagues are all Seminole
                  Indians. Did I mention that? You're
                  familiar, I'm sure, with the State of
               Florida v. James E. Billie.
     Tony nods, even though he has no idea.

                         LAROCHE (cont'd)
               So you know that even though Seminole
               Chief Billie killed a Florida panther,
               one of, what, forty in the entire world?

     Laroche looks to the Indians for confirmation.    They give it.

                         LAROCHE (cont'd)
               The state couldn't successfully prosecute
               him. Because he's an Indian and it's his
               right. As repugnant as you or I as white
               conservationists might find his actions.

                            TONY
               But --




                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 16
25   CONTINUED: (2)                                              25


                         LAROCHE
               Not to mention the failed attempts on
               three separate occasions to prosecute
               Seminoles for poaching palm fronds,
               which, I believe, they use to thatch the
               roofs of their traditional chickee huts.

     Laroche again looks to the Indians for confirmation.

                         RUSSELL
               He's right. That's exactly what we use
               them for. Chickee huts.

     Tony looks at the Indians.

                         RANDY
               Yeah.

                         VINSON
               Yeah.

                         RUSSELL
               Yeah.

                         TONY
               Yeah, but I don't... I can't let you
               fellas go yet. Just hold on while I...
                   (into radio)
               Hey, Barry, can I get some help? Barry?

26   INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY                                       26

     Orlean drives out of the Miami Airport parking lot.                 *

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)
               Nothing in Florida seems hard or
               permanent.

     She passes urban congestion and garish billboards advertising       *
     nature theme parks.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               The developed places are just little
               clearings in the jungle...

     Orlean drives past endless swampland.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               ... but the jungle is unstoppably
               fertile, everything is always growing or
               expanding. At the same time, the
               wilderness disappears before your eyes.
                                                                        pg. 17



27   INT. HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON                                    27

     Orlean unpacks her suitcase on the bed. The TV is turned to           *
     the hotel information channel. On the screen a pretty woman           *
     walks us through what to do in case of fire. Orlean finishes          *
     organizing her stuff. She sits blankly on the bed for a long          *
     time, then starts to weep inconsolably.                               *

28   EXT. RIVER'S EDGE - DAY/NIGHT                                  28

     SUBTITLE: EARTH, THREE HUNDRED MILLION YEARS EARLIER

     Simple green flowerless plants line the water. In a time              *
     lapse sequence, the plants grow, whither, die. They are               *
     replaced by new plants which go through the same process.             *
     This happens many times in an accelerating sequence.

29   EXT. BIG SPANISH-STYLE HOUSE - DAY                             29

     Kaufman gets out of his car with his books. Two teenage
     girls walk by. Kaufman watches as one whispers to the other.
     He thinks he hears the word "Fatso." The girls giggle.

30   INT. EMPTY HOUSE - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER                   30

     Kaufman passes a hall mirror, regards himself glumly, and
     climbs the stairs.

                         KAUFMAN (V.O.)
               I am fat. I am repulsive.   I cannot bear
               my own reflection.

     At the landing Kaufman comes upon Donald, his identical twin
     brother, on his back in pajama bottoms and his new purple             *
     sweater.                                                              *

                         DONALD
               Did you wear your sweater from mom yet?                     *
               Comfy.                                                      *

                         KAUFMAN
               What's with you?

                          DONALD
               My back.

     Kaufman nods vaguely, continues down the hall.                        *

                         DONALD (cont'd)
               Hey, Charles, you'll be glad, I have a
               plan to get me out of your house pronto.



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 18
30   CONTINUED:                                                        30


                         KAUFMAN
               A job is a plan. Is your plan a job?

                         DONALD
               Drumroll, please
                   (supplies it)
               I'm gonna be a screenwriter!       Like you!

     Kaufman doesn't respond, enters his bedroom.

                         DONALD (cont'd)
               Okay, I know you think this is just one
               of my get-rich-quick schemes. But I'm
               doing it right this time. I'm taking a
               three-day seminar!                                              *

31   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS                                    31

     Kaufman lies face down on his mattress on the floor.

                            DONALD (O.S.)
                  It's only five hundred bucks!

                            KAUFMAN
                      (muffled by pillow)
                  Screenwriting seminars are bullshit.

     Kaufman pulls a photo of Margaret, clipped from a trade
     paper, from under his pillow. He gets lost in the picture.

                            DONALD (O.S.)
                  In theory I agree with you. Okay? But
                  this one is highly regarded within the
                  industry.

                            KAUFMAN
                  Donald, don't say "industry."

     Donald appears on all fours in the doorway.      Kaufman puts the         *
     paper back under his pillow.

                            DONALD
                  I'm sorry, I forgot. Charles, this guy
                  knows screenwriting. People come from
                  all over to study his method. I'll pay                       *
                  you back, buddy. As soon as I sell --

                            KAUFMAN
                  Let me explain something to you.

                            DONALD
                  Yeah, okay.


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 19
31   CONTINUED:                                                    31


                         KAUFMAN
               Anybody who says he's got "the answer" is
               going to attract desperate people. Be it
               in the world of religion --

                            DONALD
                      (indicating his back)
                  I just need to lie down while you explain
                  this to me. Sorry. I apologize.
                      (lies down, stares at ceiling)
                  Okay, go ahead. Sorry. Okay. Go.

                            KAUFMAN
                  There are no rules to follow, Donald, and
                  anybody who says there are, is just --

                         DONALD
               Not rules, principles. McKee writes:
               "A rule says, you must do it this way.    A
               principle says, this works... and has
               through all remembered time."

                         KAUFMAN
               The script I'm starting, it's about
               flowers. No one's ever done a movie
               about flowers before. So, there're no
               guidelines, and --                                          *

                            DONALD
                  What about Flowers for Algernon?

                         KAUFMAN
               That's not about flowers. And it's not a
               movie. There was a book --                                  *

                         DONALD
               Oh, okay, I never saw it. Okay, keep                        *
               going. Hey, what about Cactus Flower? I                     *
               saw that. There's definitely a flower in                    *
               that.                                                       *

                         KAUFMAN
               Look, my point is, those teachers are                       *
               dangerous if your goal is to do something
               new. And a writer should always have
               that goal. Writing is a journey into the
               unknown, not building a model airplane.                     *

     Donald stares at the ceiling, fuming. Kaufman waits.
     Getting no response, he pulls out his Hegel book and reads:




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 20
31    CONTINUED: (2)                                                  31


                          KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                Each being is, because posited, an op-
                posited, a conditional and conditioning,
                the Understanding completes these its
                limitations by positing the opposite...

      Kaufman's head is spinning. He puts the book down. Both
      brothers stare at the ceiling. Donald finally speaks

                          DONALD
                McKee is a former Fulbright scholar. Are
                you a former Fulbright scholar, Charles?

      Kaufman looks over at Donald's repulsive girth.

32    INT. LIBRARY - DAY                                               32

      SUBTITLE: CONNECTICUT, TWENTY-FOUR YEARS EARLIER

      A teenaged Kaufman reads a book. He looks out the window
      onto a courtyard where kids are smoking and eating lunch. He
      spots Donald chatting up two pretty girls. They seem to be
      enjoying Donald. He says good-bye and walks happily away.

                          GIRL                                                *
                Bye, Donald!                                                  *

      The girls look at each other and giggle maliciously.    One
      puffs out her cheeks.

32A   INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY                                   32A      *

      Kaufman stares at a blank sheet of paper in a typewriter.               *

33-34 OMITTED                                                       33-34     *

35    EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNING                                        35     *

      Ranger, sheriff, and state police cars are parked near the
      van and Ford. Lots of sweating, uniformed people. The
      pillowcases have been emptied, the plants lie on black
      plastic sheets. A guy sprinkles water on them. Laroche
      enthusiastically helps Ranger Mike Owen catalogue the
      flowers. The Indians lean against their car, bored and
      smoking. Nirvana seeps tinnily out the car window.

                          LAROCHE
                ... and what we have here, my friend, is
                ... thirteen Encyclia Cochleata... four
                Encyclia Tampensis --
                          MIKE OWEN
                I'm sorry, Encyclia what?

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 21
35    CONTINUED:                                                     35


                          LAROCHE
                    (pointing to each)
                Coch-le-ata. Tem-pen-sis.
                    (checks Owen's spelling)
                Okay, let's see, twenty-two Epidendrum
                Nocturnum. A very good haul. Two
                Catopsi Floribunda. Three Polyrrhiza
                Lindenii, the ghost orchid. What I
                really came for. These sweeties grow
                nowhere in the U.S. except in your swamp.

                             MIKE OWEN
                   That true? Boy, you really know your
                   plants, Mr. Laroche.

                             LAROCHE
                   Yeah. I do. I'm one of the world's
                   foremost experts. But that'll all be
                   revealed at the hearing.

35A   INT. EMPTY KITCHEN - DAY                                       35A     *

      Kaufman talks on the phone as he prepares a salad.                     *

                             KAUFMAN                                         *
                   Hi, my name is Charlie Kaufman and I'm                    *
                   writing a screenplay based on Susan                       *
                   Orlean's book The Orc --                                  *

                             MIKE OWEN                                       *
                Oh, hi!                                                      *

                          KAUFMAN                                            *
                Hi. So, I want to come down to the                           *
                Fakahatchee and --                                           *

                            MIKE OWEN                                        *
                Great!    We'd love to have ya'.                             *

                          KAUFMAN                                            *
                Yeah, and I was wondering if you could                       *
                give me a little information about                           *
                supplies I might need, y'know, bug sprays                    *
                --                                                           *

                          MIKE OWEN                                          *
                Bug spray would be helpful.                                  *

                             KAUFMAN                                         *
                Bug spray.     I can do that.                                *




                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 22
35A   CONTINUED:                                                   35A


                          MIKE OWEN                                         *
                You might want the strongest you can                        *
                find. With Deet. Mosquito netting. I                        *
                like to josh it's a little like walking                     *
                through a biting, buzzing, gray could.                      *
                Long sleeves. Heavy, heavy pants.                           *
                You'll be trudging through acidic, thigh-                   *
                high water. And the water's black, so                       *
                you won't be able to see the snakes.                        *

                          KAUFMAN                                           *
                Okay.                                                       *

                          MIKE OWEN                                         *
                Or the alligators. So a strong boot,                        *
                something they won't easily bite through.                   *

                          KAUFMAN                                           *
                    (clearly not going)                                     *
                Sounds good. So I'll check my schedule                      *
                and get back to you.                                        *

                          MIKE OWEN                                         *
                Look forward to it!                                         *

36    INT. EMPTY DINING ROOM - A BIT LATER                           36     *

      Kaufman sits at a card table in the otherwise empty room. He          *
      picks at his salad and reads Orlean's book. Donald lies on            *
      the floor, chomping a hoagie and reading a copy of Story by
      Robert McKee.

                          KAUFMAN                                           *
                The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient
                family of perennial plants with...

      Kaufman, bored, looks over at Donald, whose cheeks are
      stuffed with food.

                          DONALD (V.O.)
                The most memorable, fascinating
                characters tend to have not only a
                conscious but an unconscious desire.
                Although these characters are unaware of
                their subconscious need --

                          KAUFMAN
                Maybe you should watch what you eat,
                Donald. Did you ever consider maybe
                you're a bit fat? Does it ever occur to
                you, you kind of represent me in the
                world?
                          (MORE)

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 23
36   CONTINUED:                                                     36
                         KAUFMAN (cont'd)
               That people look at you and think, he's
               Charlie's twin, therefore that's what
               Charlie must look like?

                         DONALD
               By the way, mom's paying for the seminar.

                         KAUFMAN
               Did you even hear what I said?

                         DONALD
               Yeah. Anyway. I pitched mom my
               screenplay --

                         KAUFMAN
               Don't say "pitch."

                         DONALD
               Sorry. Anyway, she loved my... telling
               of my story to her. She said it's                            *
               "Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho."

                            KAUFMAN
                  Hey, maybe you and mom could collaborate.
                  I hear she's really good with structure.

                            DONALD
                  You think you're so superior, Charles.
                  Well, I'm really gonna write this. And
                  you'll see. And, and... you suck, okay?

     The two glare at each other.    They go back to their books.

                         KAUFMAN (V.O.)
               The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient                          *
               family of perennial plants with...                           *

                         DONALD (V.O.)
               Do not proliferate characters; do not
               multiply locations. Rather than                              *
               hopscotching through time, space, and                        *
               people, discipline yourself to a                             *
               reasonably contained cast and world...                       *

37   INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY                                          37

     SUBTITLE: FLORIDA, THREE YEARS EARLIER                                 *

     Orlean drives on State Road 29, past prefab housing.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               Florida is a landscape of transition and
               mutation...
                                                                    pg. 24



38   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY                                      38

     Kaufman traces a stubby, nail-bitten finger along State Road
     29 along a Florida road map. He turns to his typewriter, and
     types in a clumsy hunt-and-peck style.

                         KAUFMAN (V.O.)
               We open on State Road 29.
                   (stops, stares off)
               It's swampy and lonely.
                   (typing)
               A lonely stretch of road cutting through
               untamed swampland.
                   (stops, thinks, types)                               *
               A white van appears from around a curve.                 *
               Its driver: a skinny man with no front
               teeth. This is John Laroche.                             *

39   INT. COURT ROOM - DAY                                         39

     The proceedings are in progress. Orlean hurries in, sits in
     the back. Laroche, in a Miami Hurricanes cap, wrap-around
     Mylar sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt, is on the stand.
     Alan Lerner, the tribe's lawyer, questions him.

                         LERNER
               Finally, Mr. Laroche, what is your
               experience in the area of horticulture?

                         LAROCHE
               Okay, I've been a professional
               horticulturist for twelve years. I've
               owned a plant nursery of my own which was
               destroyed by the hurricane. I'm a
               professional plant lecturer. I've given
               at least sixty lectures on the
               cultivation of plants. I'm a published
               author, both in magazine and book form.
               I have extensive experience with orchids,
               and the asexual micropropagation of
               orchids under aseptic cultures.   This is
               laboratory work, not at all like your
               nursery work.
                   (grins)
               I'm probably the smartest person I know.

                            LERNER
               Thank you.

                         LAROCHE
               You're very welcome.
                                                                        pg. 25



40   INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAY                                    40

     As she rings up his books, Kaufman admires the cashier's
     flower tattoo. She catches him and smiles with red, wet,
     pierced lips. She unbuttons her blouse and shows him a breast
     with a heart tattoo. A sweet heartbeat turns to knocking.

41   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                     41

     Kaufman, in bed masturbating, looks up at the closed door.

                           KAUFMAN
               What?!

     The door opens.    Donald stands there for a moment in shadows.

                         DONALD
               Look, you wanna hear my pitch, or what?

                           KAUFMAN
               Go away.    God damn it.

                          DONALD
                   (lost)
               Y'know, I'm just trying to do something.

     Kaufman squints at his brother, sits up, waits.

                         DONALD (CONT'D)
               Hey, thanks a lot, man. Cool.
                   (flicks on light, then in pitch
                    mode:)
               Okay, there's this serial killer, right --

     Kaufman groans, lies down, stares at the ceiling.                     *

                         DONALD (CONT'D)
               No, wait. See, he's being hunted by a
               cop. And he's taunting the cop, right?
               Sending clues who his next victim is.
               He's already holding her hostage in his
               creepy basement. So the cop gets
               obsessed with figuring out her identity,
               and in the process he falls in love with
               her. Even though he's never even met
               her. She becomes, like, the
               unattainable, like the Holy Grail.

                         KAUFMAN                                           *
               It's a little obvious, don't you think?




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 26
41   CONTINUED:                                                    41


                         DONALD
               Okay, but there's a twist. See, we find
               out the killer suffers from multiple
               personality disorder. Okay? See, he's
               really also the cop and the girl. All of
               them are him! Isn't that fucked-up?

     Donald waits, proud.                                                  *

                         KAUFMAN
               The only idea more overused than serial
               killers, is multiple personality. On top
               of that you explore the notion that cop
               and criminal are really two aspects of
               the same person. See every cop movie
               ever made for other examples of this.

                         DONALD
               Mom called it psychologically taut.

                         KAUFMAN
               The other thing is, there's no way to
               write this. Did you consider that? I
               mean, how could you have someone held
               prisoner in a basement and working in a
               police station at the same time?

                            DONALD
                  Trick photography?

                            KAUFMAN
                  Okay, that's not what I'm asking. Listen
                  closely, what I'm asking is... in the                    *
                  reality of this movie, if there's only
                  one character, right?... Okay?   How
                  could you... What exactly would the...

     Donald waits blankly.    Kaufman gives up, gets out of bed.

                         KAUFMAN (cont'd)
               I agree with mom. Very taut. Sybil                          *
               meets.. I dunno, Dressed to Kill.                           *

     Kaufman dresses and exits.

                         DONALD
                   (calling after)
               Cool. I really liked Dressed to Kill...                     *
               until the third act denouement.

                         KAUFMAN (O.S.)
               That's not how it's pronounced.


                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 27
41   CONTINUED: (2)                                                41


                              DONALD
               Oh.    Okay.     Sorry.

42   EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY                                          42

     Orlean exits the courthouse and watches Laroche in a huddle
     with Lerner, Vinson, and Buster Baxley, vice-president of the         *
     tribe's business operations. They're all smoking intently.

                         LAROCHE
               They're gonna fucking crucify me.

                         BUSTER                                            *
               I'll go into the Fakahatchee with a
               chainsaw. I swear to God.

                         LERNER
               Buster, for crying out loud, I handled
               it. Didn't I remind her the Indians used
               to own Fakahatchee? Look, we'll deal
               with all this at trial.

     Buster waves a dismissive hand at Lerner, walks away. Vinson
     shrugs, stubs his cigarette, follows Buster. Lerner and
     Laroche stand there a moment. Lerner walks off. Laroche
     cracks his neck. A charmingly shy Orlean approaches.

                         ORLEAN
               Mr. Laroche?

     Orlean smiles, apologetic for the intrusion.

                         ORLEAN (CONT'D)
               My name's Susan Orlean, I'm a writer for
               the New Yorker. It's a maga --

                         LAROCHE
               I'm familiar with the New Yorker. The
               New Yorker, yes, the New Yorker. Right?
                         ORLEAN
               Right. So I was interested in doing a
               piece about your situation down here.

     Laroche scowls, smokes furiously.   Orlean tries some more.           *

                         ORLEAN (CONT'D)                                   *
               I find your story really fascin --                          *

                         LAROCHE
               Yeah? Put this in: I don't care what
               goes on here.
                         (MORE)

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 28
42   CONTINUED:                                                    42
                         LAROCHE (cont'd)
               I'm right, and I'll take this all the way
               to the Supreme Court. That judge can
               screw herself.

     Orlean scribbles on her pad. Laroche twists his head to see
     that she's writing "Judge can screw herself."

                            LAROCHE (cont'd)
                  That for real would go in?

                            ORLEAN                                         *
                  Absolutely.                                              *

     Laroche smiles his toothless smile at Orlean.                         *

                            LAROCHE                                        *
                  I'll have to speak to my advisors.                       *

43   EXT. FIELD - MORNING                                           43

     MUSIC: lush, profound orchestral piece.

     A glorious orange, large-petalled orchid blooms in dramatic
     time-lapse. We slowly, lovingly circle the flower.

                         SENSUOUS FEMALE NARRATOR
               The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient
               family of perennial plants with one
               fertile stamen and a three petalled
               flower. In most orchid species, one petal
               is enlarged into a lip and is the most
               conspicuous part of the flower.

44   INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY                            44

     Kaufman, in a booth, reads The Orchid Thief, takes notes.             *

                         KAUFMAN (V.O.)
               The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient...

     He's bored, looks up, watches a waitress with glorious,
     orange hair, pouty lips, soulful eyes, and a voluptuous form,
     turning slowly around, scanning her station. She sees
     Kaufman, approaches, and smiles warmly down at him. Her
     badge reads: Alice, Arcadia, CA. Kaufman sweats.

                            ALICE
                  So what looks good today?

                            KAUFMAN
                  Um, hi. The key lime pie, please. A                      *
                  small slice. I'm watching my... And a
                  coffee, please. Skim milk. Please.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 29
44   CONTINUED:                                                      44


                           ALICE
                     (sees book)
                 Orchids! I absolutely love orchids.

     Kaufman goes blank.

                            KAUFMAN
                 Cool!                                                       *

     He flinches at his lameness.     A small awkward pause.

                           ALICE
                 So, I'll be right back with your pie.

     She smiles warmly again and leaves.    Kaufman is humiliated.

45   EXT. ORCHID SHOW - DAY                                           45

     Alice, in her CPK uniform, and Kaufman walk hand-in-hand,
     inspecting sexy orchids together. She smiles warmly at him.

                           ALICE                                             *
                 I think these flowers are so sexy.                          *

     Alice stands very close to Kaufman. Her bare arm touches
     his. Kaufman looks at the touching arms. Alice continues to
     study the flower but intertwines her fingers in Kaufman's.              *

                            ALICE (cont'd)                                   *
                  Let's see what's around back.

     She leads Kaufman behind the display to a quiet, wooded area.           *
     She unbuttons her uniform.   It falls to the ground, leaving
     her naked, dappled in sunlight, her beautiful red hair
     glowing. Kaufman drops to his knees in front of her and                 *
     kisses her thighs, caresses her ass. Alice glides Kaufman's
     head to her crotch.

46   INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT                                          46

     Kaufman finishes jerking off.    He lies lonely in the dark.

47   INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                      47

     SUBTITLE:    CANTON, OHIO, FORTY-THREE YEARS EARLIER                    *

     It's dark. A lonely, little girl in a nightgown lies on her
     bed, holds a flashlight in one hand and writes in her diary
     with the other.                                                         *




                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 30
47   CONTINUED:                                                        47


                         LITTLE GIRL (V.O.)
               Today I played with Mary. We had fun.
               We played Mommy and Daddy. I got to be
               the Mommy. It was very fun.                                     *

     Footsteps in the hall. The little girl flicks off the                     *
     flashlight, closes her eyes. The door opens. A middle-aged                *
     woman walks in, bumps tipsily into the dresser, sits on the               *
     edge of the bed, looks at her daughter and cries quietly.                 *

48   EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - MORNING                                   48

     Orlean leans against a car and smokes. A tiny, lost figure.
     There's a honk. Orlean snaps out of her reverie to see
     Laroche screeching to a stop in his banged-up van.

                            ORLEAN (V.O.)
                  A few days after the hearing, Laroche
                  took me to an orchid show in Miami.

     She opens the passenger door.

                             ORLEAN (cont'd)
                  Hi.   Thanks for picking --

                            LAROCHE
                  I want you to know this van is a piece of
                  shit. When I hit the jackpot, I'll buy
                  myself an awesome car. What are you
                  driving?                                                     *

                               ORLEAN
                  An Aurora.     It's my father's.   He lives --

                             LAROCHE
                  Awesome.   I think I'll get one of those.                    *

     Orlean nods, climbs in, and tries to rearrange some of the
     junk on the front seat so she'll have a place to sit.

                            LAROCHE (cont'd)
                  Sit on top of that. You won't hurt it.

     She situates herself on the edge of the seat, rests her feet
     on an open bag of potting soil. Laroche lurches off.                      *

49   INT. VAN - DAY                                                     49

     Laroche drives manically. Orlean watches the road and holds
     one hand against the dashboard.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 31
49   CONTINUED:                                                    49


                         LAROCHE                                           *
               Where do these people learn to drive?                       *
               The world is insane. My theory is --                        *

     Orlean switches on a mini-cassette recorder, pulls out a              *
     notebook. Laroche clams up. Orlean tries to figure a way              *
     in.                                                                   *

                         ORLEAN                                            *
               So I was so impressed to hear how                           *
               accomplished you are in the world of                        *
               horticulture and --                                         *

                         LAROCHE                                           *
               Yeah, yeah. The thing you gotta know is                     *
               my whole life is looking for a goddamn
               profitable plant. And that's the ghost.

     We see that Orlean is writing "The world is insane."                  *

                          ORLEAN
               Uh-huh.   Why the ghost orchid?                             *

     While Laroche talks, Orlean writes.

                         LAROCHE
               The sucker's rare. Collectors covet what
               is not available. I'm the only one in
               the world who knows how to cultivate it.

     She's writing: "skinny as a stick, posture of al dente                *
     spaghetti." Laroche looks over and smiles. Orlean smiles              *
     back.                                                                 *

                          ORLEAN
               Uh-huh.

     She indicates, with a small jerk of the head, that he might           *
     want to watch the road. He doesn't take the hint.

                         LAROCHE                                           *
               The plan was, get the Indians to pull it
               from the swamp. I researched it. As
               long as I don't touch the plants, Florida
               can't touch us.   Then I'd clone hundreds
               of them babies in my lab, sell 'em, and
               make the Seminoles a shitload of change.

     Orlean writes: "crushes out cigarette, steers with knees as           *
     he lights another."




                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 32
49    CONTINUED: (2)                                                   49


                          LAROCHE (cont'd)
                And I stop future poaching by making the
                flowers readily available in stores.
                Then I give a big speech at the trial
                about how the legislature should get rid
                of loopholes smart people like me can
                find. I'm a hero. The flowers are
                saved. Laroche and nature win.

      Orlean writes: "guy is priceless."                                       *

                          LAROCHE (cont'd)                                     *
                Did you get that last part?                                    *

                          ORLEAN                                               *
                Yes, of course.                                                *

50-52 OMITTED                                                        50-52     *

52A   INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR SET - MORNING                                   52A     *

      The set from Being John Malkovich. Crew people bustle about,             *
      bending down as they enter the squat set. No one pays any                *
      attention to Kaufman, who stands by himself to the side.                 *
      Donald is at the craft service table, picking at food.                   *
      Caroline, a pretty, young make-up woman, stops by the table.             *
      Kaufman watches nervously as Donald eyes her. Finally Donald             *
      says something to her. She looks over, says something back.              *
      It's too far away to hear the conversation. Donald says                  *
      something else and Caroline laughs. The conversation warms               *
      up. Kaufman can't believe his eyes. The assistant director               *
      appears in the hall.                                                     *

                          ASSISTANT DIRECTOR                                   *
                Scene 23 up next! All keys to set!                             *

      Catherine Keener and John Cusack pass Kaufman.    They nod               *
      perfunctorily.                                                           *

                           KAUFMAN                                             *
                Hey.                                                           *

      Cusack enters the hallway set.                                           *

                           KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)                             *
                I'm fat.   I'm old --                                          *

      Keener sees Caroline, who's still chatting with Donald.                  *

                          KEENER                                               *
                    (playfully)                                                *
                Caroline, c'mon, jeez.     We're shooting a                    *
                movie here. Let's go!      Let's go!                           *

                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 33
52A   CONTINUED:                                                52A


      Kenner grabs Caroline pulls her down the hall.                     *

                          CAROLINE                                       *
                    (laughing)                                           *
                You're insane, Keener!     Let go!                       *

      Kaufman watches.    Donald approaches Kaufman.                     *

                             DONALD                                      *
                Hey, man.                                                *

                          KAUFMAN                                        *
                Please don't hit on crew members, Donald.                *

                          DONALD                                         *
                No, Caroline's a really nice girl.                       *

                          KAUFMAN                                        *
                Just don't embarrass me. Okay?         I have            *
                to work with these people.                               *

                             DONALD                                      *
                   I won't. Anyway, listen, I meant to ask               *
                   you, I need a cool way to kill people.                *
                   Don't worry! For my script! Ha ha!                    *

                             KAUFMAN                                     *
                   I really don't write that kind of stuff.              *

                             DONALD                                      *
                   Oh, man, please. You're the genius.                   *

      Kaufman stares at Donald, rubs his eyes, sighs.                    *

                             KAUFMAN                                     *
                   Here you go. The killer's a literature                *
                   professor. He cuts off little chunks of               *
                   his victims' bodies until they die. He
                   calls him "The Deconstructionist."

                             DONALD
                   That's kinda good.   I like that.

                             KAUFMAN
                   See, I was kidding, Donald.                           *

                             DONALD
                   Oh, okay. Sorry. You got me! Ha-ha.
                   Do you mind if I use it, though?
                                                                       pg. 34



53   INT. BOY'S BEDROOM (1972) - NIGHT                               53

     There are now many turtles in aquariums. Many turtle books
     and posters. The boy, in a turtle T-shirt, looks out the
     window into the darkness. His eyes are troubled.

                         MOTHER (O.S.)
                   (praying softly)
               For certain is death for the born/And
               certain is birth for the dead

54   INT. LIVING ROOM (1972) - CONTINUOUS                            54

     The boy comes downstairs. His father, in a backbrace,                *
     watches TV; his sister lies on the couch, semi-conscious,
     more pale than before. His mother pats the girl's head with
     a damp cloth. There's a little Hindu altar with candles.

                          MOTHER
               Therefore over the inevitable/Thou
               shouldst not grieve.
                   (beat)
               Sweet, sweet Diane.

     The boy surveys the sad scene.   His mother looks up, smiles.

                         MOTHER (CONT'D)
               A slice of pie for my turtle expert?

     The boy beams with pride, then gets solemn.

                         BOY
               Mom, there's something I feel I have to
               do. I don't know how to do this, but I
               feel in my stomach that I have to.

                         MOTHER
               What do you have to do, honey?

                          BOY
               Collect one of every turtle in the world.
                   (beat)
               It's a long list, ma. Cuora
               galbinifrons, Graptemys versa, Callagur
               borneoensis, all the Galapagos species,
               people think there's only one, but that's
               not true. Cycloderma frenatum, Cuora
               pani...
                   (sighs)
               I don't think my life is worth living if
               I can't do this.

     The boy and his mother look at each other.

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 35
54   CONTINUED:                                                    54


                         MOTHER
               Well, we'd better get started, huh, baby?

     The boy nods his head solemnly.

55   INT. VAN - DAY                                                 55

     Laroche drives, solemnly nodding his head. Orlean studies
     him for a moment, her sad eyes wet and glistening. The tape
     recorder is on between them.

                            ORLEAN
                  Wow, that's some story. How many turtles
                  did you end up collecting?

                            LAROCHE
                      (matter-of-fact)
                  Oh, I lost interest right after that.

                            ORLEAN
                  Oh.

                            LAROCHE
                  I dropped turtles when I fell in love
                  with Ice Age fossils. Collected the shit                 *
                  out of 'em. Fossils were the only thing
                  made any sense to me in this fucked-up
                  world.

     They drive in silence.    Orlean watches a flying heron.              *

                            ORLEAN                                         *
                  I guess I'd like to know how you can just
                  detach from something when you've
                  invested so much of your soul --

                         LAROCHE
               Ditched fossils for resilvering old                         *
               mirrors. My mom and I had the largest
               collection of 19th Century Dutch mirrors
               on the planet. Perhaps you read about
               us. Mirror World October '88? I have a
               copy somewhere...

     Laroche fishes through junk as he drives. Orlean writes
     "What is Passion?" on her pad. She underlines it.                     *

                         ORLEAN
               So, did you ever miss the turtles? The
               only thing that made you ten year old
               life worth living?



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 36
55   CONTINUED:                                                  55


                         LAROCHE
               I'll tell you a story. I once fell
               deeply, profoundly in love with tropical
               fish. I had sixty goddamn fish tanks in
               my house. I'd skin-dive to find just the
               right ones. Anisotremus virginicus,
               Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon
               capistratus. You name it. Then one day
               I say, fuck fish. I renounce fish. I
               vow to never set foot in the ocean again,
               that's how much fuck fish. That was
               seventeen years ago and I have never
               since stuck so much as a toe into that
               ocean. And I love the ocean!

                            ORLEAN
                   (beat)
               But why?

                         LAROCHE
                   (shrugs)
               Done with fish.                                           *

56   OMITTED                                                      56     *

57   INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY                                57

     Kaufman sits in silence across from his female therapist.

                         KAUFMAN
               I'm still masturbating a lot.

                          THERAPIST
               Uh-huh.
                   (beat)
               The same woman?                                           *

                          KAUFMAN
               I mean, not a lot a lot.
                   (beat)
               No. Different woman. The new girl I'm                     *
               obsessed with.                                            *

                         THERAPIST
               Burger King? Dimples and sparkly eyes?                    *

                          KAUFMAN
               No.   California Pizza Kitchen.

                          THERAPIST
               Right.   Red hair, likes orchids?                         *

     Kaufman nods.                                                       *

                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                               pg. 37
57    CONTINUED:                                                          57


                          THERAPIST (CONT'D)
                So do you think you'll talk to this one?                          *

57A   EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY - DAY                                        57A      *

      Orlean pulls up to the nursery. A few Indians are hauling                   *
      plants. She recognizes Vinson from the courthouse. Today                    *
      he's wearing a green t-shirt with white skulls. His long-                   *
      black hair is braided. He's handsome. Orlean approaches.                    *

                               ORLEAN                                             *
                Hi.       I'm looking for John Laroche.                           *

      Vinson comes over to her.         His eyes are gentle.   She's taken.       *

                          ORLEAN (cont'd)                                         *
                Hi. Hi. I'm writing an article about                              *
                John and I thought I'd drop by to...                              *

                             VINSON                                               *
                   John's not here today.                                         *

                               ORLEAN                                             *
                   Oh.                                                            *
                       (beat)                                                     *
                   So you were in the swamp with him, right?                      *
                   I saw you at the courthouse... is how I                        *
                   know.                                                          *

                              VINSON                                              *
                   Yes.   I'm Vinson Osceola.                                     *

                             ORLEAN                                               *
                   Susan Orlean. Could we maybe talk for a                        *
                   bit? I'm just trying to get a feel for --                      *

                             VINSON                                               *
                   You have very beautiful hair.                                  *

      He gently reaches out and touches it.                                       *

                             ORLEAN                                               *
                   Oh. Thank you. I washed it this                                *
                   morning, so... I'm using a new                                 *
                   conditioner and... Anyway... Oy...                             *

                             VINSON                                               *
                   I can see your sadness.      It's lovely.   My                 *
                   heart holds yours.                                             *

                             ORLEAN                                               *
                       (taken aback)                                              *
                   I'm just a little tired.                                       *

                                                                (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 38
57A   CONTINUED:                                                     57A


      Vinson nods, completely present.                                        *

                          ORLEAN (cont'd)                                     *
                So maybe we could go and chat. I could                        *
                get some background for the --                                *

                          VINSON                                              *
                I'm not going to talk to you much. It's                       *
                not personal. It's the Indian way.                            *

      Vinson smiles. It cuts right through her.    He touches her             *
      hand and heads back to work. She watches him haul potted                *
      plants, immersed in the activity, muscles straining against             *
      his shirt. Orlean scribbles "He turns me on" on her notepad.            *
      She just stands there.                                                  *

58    INT. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN - DAY                              58     *

      Kaufman, hair combed, sits nervously in a booth, watching
      Alice. He tenses as she comes up to him. She smiles warmly.             *

                             KAUFMAN
                Hi!

                            ALICE
                Hey!    Some key lime pie for ya today?

                          KAUFMAN
                    (thrilled she remembered)
                Okay, yeah. That sounds great.

                          ALICE
                I'll pick you out an extra large piece.
                Preferred customer.

      She winks at him.    He's so in love.

                             KAUFMAN
                Thank you.     That's really sweet of you.

                          ALICE
                Well, I'm just a sweetie, ain't I.    Still                   *
                reading about orchids, I hope.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Yes, I am, in fact!                                        *

                          ALICE
                A friend of mine has this pretty little                       *
                pink one, grows right on a tree branch.
                Just like that. I can't remem --



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 39
58   CONTINUED:                                                         58


                           KAUFMAN
                 That's what's called an epiphyte.

                           ALICE
                     (pointing at him excitedly)
                 Right! Right! Boy, you know your stuff!

                           KAUFMAN
                 Not really. I'm just learning.
                 Epiphytes grow on trees, but they're not
                 parasites. They get all their
                 nourishment from the air and rain.

                           ALICE
                 Well, I'm impressed.     That's great.

     Awkward pause.

                           KAUFMAN
                 There are more than thirty thousand kinds
                 of orchids in the world.

                           ALICE
                 Wow, that's a lot, huh?

                               KAUFMAN
                 Yeah.

                           ALICE
                 So I'll be right back with a big slice of
                 key lime pie for my orchid expert.

     He beams.    She smiles and turns to leave.      Kaufman blurts:

                            KAUFMAN
                  But, so, anyway, I was also wondering...

     Alice turns back, still smiling.

                            KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                  I'm going up to this orchid show on
                  Saturday in Santa Barbara? And I --

     Alice's smile slips away.       Her warmth dissipates.

                            ALICE
                  Oh, um, well --

                               KAUFMAN
                  I'm sorry.     I apologize.   I'm sorry.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 40
58   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 58


                         ALICE
                   (nodding)
               So I'll be right back with your pie then.

     He nods, watches Alice walk away and say something to another
     waitress. The other waitress looks over at him. He sweats.

                         KAUFMAN (V.O.)
               I am fat. I am old. I have to get out                        *
               of here right now. Fuck the pie.                             *

     The other waitress brings his pie.   He smiles a thank you and         *
     obligingly eats.                                                       *

59   INT. NEW YORKER - MORNING                                      59

     Orlean, at her desk, copies something from her notebook onto           *
     the computer.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)                                      *
               There are more than thirty thousand known
               orchid species. One species looks like a
               German shepherd...

60   EXT. SANTA BARBARA ORCHID SHOW - DAY                           60

     Kaufman walks alone among the crowd of orchid enthusiasts,
     past a Santa Barbara Orchid Society sign. He tries to study
     the flowers. They are dull. He forces himself to look.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               ... one looks like an onion, one looks
               like an octopus. One looks...

     Kaufman finds his attention drifting from orchids to women:
     all different shapes, colors, personalities, some in subtle
     clothing, some in garish clothing, all glowing.

                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               ... like a school teacher, one looks like
               a gymnast, one looks like a Midwestern
               beauty queen, one looks like a New York
               intellectual with whom you'd do the
               Sunday Times crossword puzzle in bed.
               One looks like that girl in high school
               with creamy skin. One has eyes that                          *
               dance. One has eyes that contain the
               sadness of the world.

     He is sick with adoration for the women, who pay him no mind.




                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 41
60   CONTINUED:                                                     60


                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
               Nothing in science can account for the
               way some people feel about orchids.
               Those love them, love them madly.

     One by one the women turn to the men they're with: a whisper
     in the ear, a shared look, an arm slipped through an arm.
     Kaufman is alone in this sea of people and flowers.

61   OMITTED                                                        61      *

62   MONTAGE                                                        62      *

     This sequence shows the entire history of mankind from a
     world sparsely populated with primitive hunter-gatherers to
     today's overcrowded technological society. We see the
     history of architecture, war, religion, commerce. We see
     murder and procreation. We see man interacting with his
     environment: farming, eating meat, admiring a view. We see
     old age and birth. We see it again and again at dizzying
     speed. We see Laroche as a child alone with his turtles. We
     see Orlean as a child alone with her diary. We see Alice
     serving food, smiling at customers. We finish on sad Kaufman
     getting into his car and leaving the Santa Barbara Orchid
     Show. The entire sequence takes two minutes.

63   INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY                                  63

     Kaufman talks to the therapist.

                            KAUFMAN
                  I could tell a woman I'm a screenwriter                   *
                  and I could get laid.

                            THERAPIST
                  I'm sure that's true.                                     *

                            KAUFMAN
                  But I want them to like me. The way I
                  like them. The way I'd do anything for                    *
                  some woman walking down the street. A
                  million women walking down the street. I
                  don't need to know what their jobs is. I                  *
                  don't need to know them at all.
                      (a terrible sadness)
                  No one will ever love me like that.

     Kaufman glances down at his therapist's breasts. He does it
     fast and unintentionally. He quickly shifts back to her
     face. His therapist wraps her shawl around her.
                                                                     pg. 42



64   INT. SHOW HALL - DAY                                           64

     Crowded with orchid lovers. Noisy chatter and calliope
     music. Elaborate displays include orchids on a ferris wheel,
     plastic clowns, and a booth that looks like a circus big top.

                          LAROCHE
                Once you get the sickness, it takes over
                your life. Look at me. It's all I think                  *
                about.
                    (dramatic pause)
                It'll happen to you. You'll see.

                          ORLEAN
                I don't know. I'm not prone to --

     Laroche runs over to a flower, fondles its petals.

                          LAROCHE
                Angraecum sesquipedale! Beauty!      God!
                Darwin wrote about this one.

                            ORLEAN
                Uh-huh.

                          LAROCHE
                Charles Darwin? Evolution guy?      Hello?

                          ORLEAN
                    (annoyed)
                I know who Darwin is.

65   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                     65

     A depressed Kaufman fishes on his floor through an ever
     increasing pile of books: about turtles, mirror resilvering,        *
     fish, Hegel, etc. He finds The Portable Darwin. The cover           *
     features a daguerreotype of Darwin. Kaufman paces and reads.

66   INT. BOOK-LINED STUDY - NIGHT                                  66

     SUBTITLE: ENGLAND, ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE YEARS EARLIER

     Sepia.   A sickly Darwin writes at his desk.

                          DARWIN (V.O.)
                Therefore I should infer from analogy
                that probably all the organic beings
                which have ever lived on this earth have
                descended from some one primordial form,
                into which life was first breathed.
                                                                         pg. 43



67   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                      67

     Kaufman looks off into space, thinking. Silence. Suddenly,
     he grabs his mini-recorder and paces like a caged animal.

                         KAUFMAN
               We start before life.    All is silent...                    *

68   EXT. SHOW HALL - DAY                                            68

     Blasting music.   Crowds.   Laroche shows the flower to Orlean.

                         LAROCHE
               See that nectary all the way down there?
               Darwin hypothesized a moth with a nose
               twelve inches long to pollinate it.
               Everyone thought he was a loon. Then,
               sure enough, they found this moth with a
               twelve inch proboscis -- proboscis means
               nose, by the way -- and --

                         ORLEAN
               I know what proboscis means.

                         LAROCHE
               Let's not get off the subject. This
               isn't a pissing contest. The point is
               what's wonderful is that every one of
               these flowers has a specific relationship
               with the insect that pollinates it.

69   EXT. MEADOW - DAY                                               69

     We're with an insect as it buzzes along.

                         LAROCHE (V.O.)
               There are orchids that look exactly like
               a particular insect.

     It finds an orchid which it resembles. It lands on the
     flower and begins rapidly jerking its abdomen.

                         LAROCHE (V.O.) (cont'd)
               So it's attracted to the flower, like a                      *
               lover. Think about it. The insect has                        *
               no choice but to make love to that                           *
               flower. The flower insists. And this                         *
               attraction, this passion, is so much                         *
               larger than either of them. Neither                          *
               understands the significance of this                         *
               interaction. But because of it, the                          *
               world lives.                                                 *
                         (MORE)

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 44
69   CONTINUED:                                                         69
                         LAROCHE (V.O.) (cont'd)
               The insect, covered with pollen, carries                         *
               it off, falls in love with another flower                        *
               and pollinates it. How did this                                  *
               relationship develop? This odd                                   *
               connection? Does it matter? Can we                               *
               fight it? Should we?                                             *

     The insect, covered in pollen, flies away. It merges with
     thousands of insects doing the same thing: Flying, buzzing
     around flowers.                                                            *

70   INT. SHOW HALL - DAY                                                70     *

     Orlean looks at Laroche. In the background people buzz                     *
     around flowers: feel petals, stare deep into nectaries,                    *
     jabber passionately, carry boxes of plants.                                *

                         LAROCHE
               You gotta fall in love with them. Once
               you learn anything about orchids, you'll
               devote your life to learning everything
               about them. You have to. You're                                  *
               supposed to.                                                     *

     Orlean looks at Laroche, then deeply into various flowers: a               *
     dizzying array of colors and shapes. She remains detached                  *
     and scribbles on her pad: "Is this guy more alive than I am?"              *

71   INT. APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING                                      71

     Orlean sits at the dining room table with her husband and
     another couple. She is detached here as well.

                         HUSBAND
               He's a great character. No front teeth.
               One of those trailer guys, not too
               educated, but taught himself everything
               there is to know about --
                   (punchline)
               -- orchids!

                            MALE GUEST
               Orchids?     I love that.   It's unexpected.

                            HUSBAND
                  Still lives with his dad.    Right, Susie?

     Orlean nods.

                            FEMALE GUEST
                  Oh, that's a great detail.




                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 45
71   CONTINUED:                                                    71


                         HUSBAND
               So, Susie gets to do a natural history
               thing, which she loves, plus this
               tremendously quirky character --

     Orlean's husband goes on talking, but his voice goes under.
     They smile at each other, but there's a terrible distance             *
     between them. She gets up and heads toward the bathroom.              *

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               I wanted to want something as much as
               people wanted these plants...

72   INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                                     72

     Orlean enters and stares at herself in the mirror.

                            ORLEAN (V.O.)
                  ... but it isn't part of my constitution.

                         HUSBAND (O.S.)
               What is it about people who collect, who                    *
               get obsessed with these... things? It's                     *
               a real modern phenomenon ripe for the
               picking, no pun intended --

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)
               I suppose I do have one unembarrassed
               passion.

     Orlean past her own reflection to the reflection of her
     husband chatting in the background.

73   INT. NEW YORKER OFFICES - EARLY EVENING                        73

     Orlean is at her desk. We see "I suppose I do have one                *
     unembarrassed passion" on the computer screen. Orlean cries           *
     and types. As the words appear on her screen, we hear them            *
     in voice-over.

                            ORLEAN (V.O.)
                  I want to know how it feels to care about
                  something passionately.

74   INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                           74

     Kaufman paces furiously with his mini-cassette recorder.
     He's a sweaty mess.




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 46
74   CONTINUED:                                                    74


                         KAUFMAN
               ... then, after the history of life on
               the planet, in the last seconds of the
               montage, we see the whole of human
               history: tool-making, hunting, farming,
               war, lust, religion. Yearning. Then,
               bam! Cut to Susan Orlean writing a book
               about orchids. And the movie begins.

     He rewinds the recorder, presses "play." As he listens, he            *
     slowly shifts from unbridled enthusiasm to a bottomless pit
     of depression.

                            TAPED KAUFMAN VOICE
                  We start before life begins. All is                      *
                  silent. We see the first amino acid and                  *
                  show step by step how things mutated,
                  adapted, evolved. This has never been                    *
                  attempted in a movie before. It breaks
                  every rule. This is amazing!                             *

     The taped voice continues. Kaufman stares despondently out            *
     the window, into the night. The front door bursts open and            *
     Donald charges in. Kaufman quickly turns off the recorder.            *

                         DONALD
               McKee is a genius! And hilarious! He
               just comes up with these great jokes, and
               everyone laughs! But he's serious, too,
               Charles. You'd love him. He's all for
               originality, just like you! But he says,
               we have to realize we all write in a
               genre, so we must find our originality
               within that genre. See, it turns out
               there hasn't been a new genre since
               Fellini invented the mockumentary!

     Kaufman sits. Donald waits for a response, heaving with
     excitement. No response from Kaufman.

                            DONALD (cont'd)                                *
                  My genre is thriller! What's yours?                      *

                            KAUFMAN
                      (quietly)
                  You and I share the same DNA. Is there
                  anything more lonely than this?

75   OMITTED                                                       75      *
                                                                         pg. 47



76   INT. ORLEAN'S STUDY - EVENING                                   76

     Orlean looks at the photo of Laroche, sits sadly for a
     moment, then types. Through an open door, we see Orlean's              *
     husband at the kitchen table finishing his dinner.                     *

                          LAROCHE (V.O.)                                    *
                I got married. She was beautiful, my                        *
                wife. We opened a nursery.                                  *

77-86 OMITTED                                                     77-86     *

87   INT. NURSERY - DAY                                              87     *

     Laroche and his wife stand amidst lonely-looking plant                 *
     enthusiasts who ask him questions, browse, stare into space.

                          LAROCHE (V.O.)
                People started coming out of the
                woodwork, to ask me stuff, to admire my
                plants, to admire me.

     One guy pulls Laroche aside.                                           *

                          CUSTOMER #1                                       *
                John, what is this? It's amazing!                           *

                          LAROCHE                                           *
                Catasetum tenebrosum.   From Peru.                          *

                          CUSTOMER #2                                       *
                John, would you come over and look at my                    *
                Eulophia? It's not doing well and I                         *
                don't want to move it.                                      *

                          LAROCHE                                           *
                Are you simulating it's dry season?                         *
                Because excessive watering will --                          *

                          CUSTOMER #2                                       *
                But Dave Maxwell said --                                    *

                          LAROCHE                                           *
                Why would anyone listen to Maxwell?                         *

                          CUSTOMER #3                                       *
                Hey, did you see the number he brought to                   *
                the Miami show? Could be his daughter.                      *

                          CUSTOMER #1                                       *
                It's a shame. Laura was such a class                        *
                act, too. Say, John, what can you tell                      *
                me about this Dactylorhiza?                                 *

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 48
87   CONTINUED:                                                      87


                         LAROCHE                                             *
               Everything.                                                   *

     Everyone gathers around as Laroche begins to talk.                      *

88   INT. VAN - NIGHT                                                 88

     Laroche drives.    Orlean looks out at the dark night.

                            LAROCHE
                  I believe some folks were really spending                  *
                  time with me because they were lonely.                     *

     Orlean looks at him.     After a long silence, Laroche muses:

                            LAROCHE (cont'd)
                  You know why I love plants? Because
                  they're so mutable. Adaptation is a                        *
                  profound process. It means you figure                      *
                  out how to thrive in the world. People                     *
                  can't sometimes.                                           *

                            ORLEAN                                           *
                  Well, it's easier for plants; they have                    *
                  no memory. They just move on to what's                     *
                  next. For a person, it's almost shameful                   *
                  to adapt. It's like running away.                          *

89   INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY                                        89

     Kaufman sits with his agent Marty in a glass-walled office.             *

                            KAUFMAN
                  I don't know how to adapt this. I
                  should've just stuck with my own stuff.
                  I don't know why I thought I could --

                             MARTY                                           *
                  See her?   I fucked her up the ass.

     Marty waves at a passing beauty. She waves back, keeps                  *
     walking. Kaufman follows the girl's ass with his eyes.

                            MARTY (cont'd)                                   *
                  Just kidding. Hey, maybe I can help.                       *

     Kaufman looks at Marty. Will he accept help from an agent?              *
     He glances at Marty's non-receding hairline, his full head of           *
     hair. Marty smiles at him.                                              *

                            KAUFMAN
                  It's about flowers.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 49
89   CONTINUED:                                                     89


                         MARTY                                              *
               It's not only about flowers. It's got
               that crazy plant nut guy. He's funny,
               right?

     Kaufman pulls out a folded newspaper clipping, reads:

                         KAUFMAN
               "There is not nearly enough of him to
               fill a book." So Orlean "digresses in                        *
               long passes." Blah blah blah... "No                          *
               narrative really unites these passages."                     *
                   (looking up defiantly)
               New York Times Book Review. I can't
               structure this. It's that sprawling New
               Yorker shit.

     Marty gets distracted by another sexy woman walking by.                *

                             MARTY                                          *
                  Oh man.   I'd fuck her up the ass.

                            KAUFMAN
                  There's no story. The book has no story.

                            MARTY                                           *
                  Make one up. The book's a jumping off
                  point. No one in town can make up a
                  crazy story like you. You're the king.

                            KAUFMAN
                  I didn't want to do that this time. It's
                  someone else's material. I have a
                  responsibility... Anyway, I wanted to
                  grow as a writer, do something profound
                  and simple. Show people how amazing
                  flowers are.

                            MARTY                                           *
                  Are they amazing?

                            KAUFMAN
                  I don't know.
                      (uncertain)                                           *
                  I think they are.                                         *

                         MARTY                                              *
               Look, what I tell a lot of guys is pick                      *
               another film and use it as a model. I
               always thought this one could be like
               Apocalypse Now. The girl journalist                          *
               spends the whole movie searching for the
               crazy plant nut guy -- what's his name?

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 50
89    CONTINUED: (2)                                                 89


                          KAUFMAN
                John Laroche.

                           MARTY                                             *
                She has to travel deep into the darkest
                swamps of Africa to find the mysterious                      *
                "Laroche."

                          KAUFMAN
                I need you to get me out of this.

                          MARTY                                              *
                Charlie, at the end of the day, I think
                it would be a terrible career move.

89A   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY                                     89A       *

      Kaufman, alone in bed, ejaculates. He lies there. After a              *
      few moments, he gets up and sits naked in front of his                 *
      typewriter. He reads the page.                                         *

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)                                     *
                The Orchidaceae is a large --                                *

      The empty bedroom seems to get bigger and sadder.                      *

89B   EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY                                        89B       *

      A crowd of people.   Reporters talk to video cameras.                  *

                          REPORTER                                           *
                ... three Seminole men and a Miami orchid                    *
                grower for trying to steal rare orchids --                   *

      Seminole lawyer Lerner is on the steps talking to reporters.           *

                          LERNER                                             *
                The only reason we made the no-contest                       *
                plea was for convenience.                                    *

      Laroche hides around the corner of the building, smoking and           *
      ranting at Orlean.                                                     *

                          LAROCHE                                            *
                I told you I'd be crucified. The judge                       *
                is a moron. She didn't know shit about                       *
                Indian rights and she didn't know shit                       *
                about shit.                                                  *

      Buster, at his car, talks to reporters.                                *




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 51
89B   CONTINUED:                                                   89B


                          BUSTER                                            *
                Just like any treaty you guys sign, it                      *
                isn't worth the paper it's printed on.                      *

      A park official is being interviewed.                                 *

                             PARK OFFICIAL                                  *
                   The ruling is murky. They were nailed on                 *
                   a technicality. It doesn't protect the                   *
                   preserves the way we would've hoped.                     *

89C   INT. RESTAURANT - DAY                                         89C     *

      Orlean interviews the prosecuter.    She sips iced tea.               *

                             PROSECUTOR                                     *
                   I was determined to convict them,                        *
                   especially Laroche, who I found so                       *
                   maddening. It was all so maddening, what                 *
                   with the protection the Native Americans                 *
                   have.                                                    *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                   Hence the branches.                                      *
                       (turns to waitress)                                  *
                   Could I get some lemon, please?                          *

                          PROSECUTOR                                        *
                Exactly. The Native American protection                     *
                is only in regard to endangered species.                    *
                But the endangered species were attached                    *
                to ordinary branches. Nobody's allowed                      *
                to take those, not even the goddamned                       *
                Indians. So that's what we got 'em on.                      *

                          ORLEAN                                            *
                It's a hollow victory, isn't it? Laroche                    *
                gets a five hundred dollar fine and a six                   *
                month ban from the Fakahatchee.                             *

                          PROSECUTOR                                        *
                    (shaking his head)                                      *
                I hate that guy. Please don't put in I                      *
                said, goddamned Indians.                                    *

90    MONTAGE                                                        90

      Jumble of images: Laroche talking, flowers, Indians, Orlean,          *
      the trial. The rapid fire click-click of typing.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                Okay, we open with Laroche. He's funny.
                Okay, he says, I love to mutate plants.                     *
                          (MORE)
                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 52
90    CONTINUED:                                                    90
                          KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
                Mutation is fun.... Okay, we show                           *
                flowers, okay, we have the court case. We                   *
                show Laroche, he says, I was mutated as                     *
                baby, that's why I'm so smart...that's
                funny. Okay we open at the beginning of
                time...no, okay we open with Laroche
                driving into the swamp, okay --                             *

91    INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                     91

      Kaufman awakes with a start. Enthusiastic off-screen typing.
      He peers through the darkness at the books, papers coffee             *
      cups. He picks up The Orchid Thief, opens it, reads.                  *

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)                                     *
                The pioneer-adventures in Florida had to                    *
                travel inward, into a place as dark and                     *
                dense as steel wool. They had to                            *
                confront what a dark, dense, overabundant                   *
                place might have hidden in it.                              *

92    OMITTED                                                        92     *

93    INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                             93

      Lit only by the light of the TV Laroche's father watches.             *
      Laroche talks on the phone and half watches TV.                       *

                             LAROCHE                                        *
                   What are you up to?                                      *

93A   INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                               93A     *

      Orlean lies on her bed in her underwear.                              *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                   Ah, David's out of town. I'm just                        *
                   hanging out. How about you?                              *

                              LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)                         *
                   Nothing.   Going over some paperwork.                    *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                   Oh, I don't mean to bother you. Just                     *
                   thought I could get some more info.                      *

                             LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)                          *
                   No problem.                                              *

      Orlean is silent for a moment.                                        *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                   I think you say some pretty smart things,                *
                   John.                                                    *

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 53
93A   CONTINUED:                                                   93A


                          LAROCHE                                           *
                The smartest guy I know.                                    *

      Orlean starts to tear up, then gets professional to cover.            *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                   So, tell me, what happened to your                       *
                   nursery?                                                 *

93B   INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                           93B      *

      Laroche glances at the TV. On top are two framed photos: one          *
      of Laroche's sister and one of Laroche's mother.                      *

                             LAROCHE                                        *
                   It was going well, but sometimes bad                     *
                   things happen. Darkness descends.                        *

94    INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY                               94

      SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, NINE YEARS EARLIER

      Laroche ushers his wife, mother, and uncle out of the house.
      His father watches TV. There's only a photo of Laroche's
      sister on the TV set now.

                          LAROCHE
                Sure you don't want to come, dad?

      His father doesn't respond.

95    INT. LAROCHE'S CAR - A FEW MOMENTS LATER                       95

      They pile into a nice new American car, his wife in front,
      his mother and uncle in back. Laroche pulls into traffic.

                          UNCLE JIM
                Nursery business good, Johnny?

                          LAROCHE
                Everything's good, Uncle Jim. This last
                year's been a dream, I'm telling you.
                We're finally pulling out of debt.

                             MOTHER
                   Amen, honey. Praise Allah, Buddha,
                   Vishnu. And all the rest of 'em.

      Laroche smiles back at his mother. A screech of tires and
      another car crashes head on into theirs. Laroche's face
      smacks the steering wheel, his front teeth fly in all                 *
      directions.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 54
95    CONTINUED:                                                       95

      His mother rockets forward smashing through the windshield.
      His uncle hits Laroche's wife in the head, jerking her
      forward and landing on top of her.

96    EXT. CEMETERY - DAY                                               96

      Banged-up and missing his front teeth, Laroche stands amidst
      a group of mourners at a double funeral.

97    INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY                                          97

      Laroche, in his mourning suit, sits by his comatose wife.

98    EXT. LAROCHE'S STOOP - NIGHT                                      98     *

      It's dark. Laroche, on the cordless phone, stares out at the             *
      street where the accident took place.                                    *

                             LAROCHE
                   She divorced me soon after she regained                     *
                   consciousness.

98A   INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT -NIGHT                                   98A     *

      Orlean is crying hard now. She has the phone mouthpiece                  *
      flipped up so she can't be heard. She regains control and                *
      flips it down to talk.                                                   *

                             ORLEAN                                            *
                   If I almost died, I think I'd leave my                      *
                   marriage, too.                                              *

                             LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)                             *
                   Why?                                                        *

                             ORLEAN                                            *
                   Because I could. It's like a free pass.                     *
                   No one can judge you if you almost died.                    *

                             LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)                             *
                   I judged her. And then, adding insult to                    *
                   injury, the hurricane destroyed my                          *
                   greenhouse.                                                 *

98B   EXT. STREET - DAY                                                98B     *

      Laroche walks through a field where the remains of his                   *
      greenhouse are scattered about: glass, wood, and the green               *
      pulp that was once plant life.                                           *




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 55
98B   CONTINUED:                                                  98B


                          LAROCHE (V.O.)                                   *
                Everything. I knew it would break my                       *
                heart to start another nursery, so when
                the Seminoles wanted a white guy, an
                expert, to get their nursery going, I
                took the job.

98C   INT. LITTLE BOY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                            98C     *

      Laroche is on his cordless phone. The many turtle posters            *
      been replace with many orchid posters.                               *

                          LAROCHE                                          *
                I wasn't gonna give them a conventional                    *
                little potted-plant place. I was gonna                     *
                give them something amazing. Y'know?                       *

                          ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE)                             *
                Yeah, John, I know. I understand.                          *

99    INT. PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT                                       99

      A sad Kaufman, beer in hand, sees Margaret across a room             *
      crowded with young Hollywood types. He tries to duck but she         *
      spots him. She runs over and hugs him. She's drunk.                  *

                             MARGARET                                      *
                Hey, man!                                                  *

                          KAUFMAN                                          *
                Hi, Margaret.                                              *

                          MARGARET                                         *
                You hate me. You don't call me no more.                    *

                          KAUFMAN                                          *
                I've been busy is all.                                     *

                             MARGARET                                      *
                Oh.                                                        *
                    (beat)                                                 *
                Well, sit, sit.                                            *

      She pulls him down onto a couch and puts her arm around him.         *

                             MARGARET (cont'd)                             *
                   So, how's the script, lover?                            *

                             KAUFMAN                                       *
                   I shouldn't have taken it. I can't                      *
                   figure out how to make it work. I wanted                *
                   to do something amazing. I'm full of                    *
                   shit. I don't know. There's no story.                   *

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 56
99   CONTINUED:                                                    99


                          MARGARET                                         *
               Oh, Charlie. Boy. It is a challenging                       *
               one. God bless you for trying. Man...                       *
               so did you get anything out of going into                   *
               the swamp?                                                  *

                            KAUFMAN                                        *
               Um --                                                       *

                         MARGARET                                          *
               S-s-scary the way Orlean described it.    I                 *
               assumed there'd be some dramatic --                         *

                            KAUFMAN                                        *
                  It was scary, but...                                     *

                            MARGARET                                       *
                  No, story, huh?                                          *

                            KAUFMAN                                        *
                  Not really.                                              *

     A young man approaches. Margaret doesn't bother removing her          *
     arm from Kaufman's shoulder.                                          *

                            MARGARET                                       *
                  Hey you.                                                 *
                      (to Kaufman)
                  Charlie, this is my friend David.

     Kaufman and David shake hands.

                            DAVID
                  Hey.

                            KAUFMAN
                  Hey.

                            MARGARET                                       *
                  David spent some time in the Everglades.                 *
                  Charlie said it wasn't really helpful for                *
                  him to be down there, Davey.                             *

                         DAVID                                             *
               No? I was fascinated. I had a piece                         *
               about it in National Geographic. I'll                       *
               get Marg to send it to you.                                 *

                           KAUFMAN                                         *
               Oh, wow.    That'd be great.                                *

                            DAVID                                          *
               Cool.     Well, we should head, Marg.                       *

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 57
99    CONTINUED: (2)                                                  99


                          MARGARET
                    (pecks Kaufman on cheek)                                  *
                You'll figure it out, man. You're the
                best. And you are amazing.

      Kaufman watches Margaret and David head off.   David puts his
      hand on Margaret's ass. She kisses his ear.

100   INT. NEW YORKER OFFICE - EVENING                              100

      Orlean looks at a book called The Native Orchids of Florida.
      She sees a photo of a ghost orchid glowing white on the page.           *
      A line of text catches her eye: "Should one be lucky enough
      to see a flower all else will seem eclipsed." Orlean closes
      the book, sits there. She dials the phone.

                           LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                Yeah.

                           ORLEAN
                Hey.                                                          *

                           LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                Susie-Q!

                          ORLEAN
                So I was thinking it'd be good for the
                article for me to go into the Fakahatchee
                to see a ghost. I'd like you to take me.                      *

                          LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                I'd love to, but, hey, I'm banned.                            *
                Goddamn crucified me. Get one of them
                monkey-suited rangers. 'Course, they                          *
                wouldn't be able to locate a ghost, if it
                climbed off a tree and shoved itself up
                their ass. Hey, put that in the article!

101   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNING                                  101

      A hollow-eyed Kaufman puts mosquito netting in his suitcase.            *

102   INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                           102

      Donald types cheerily on a lap-top computer at an ergonomic
      desk. Kaufman descends the stairs with the suitcase.                    *

                          KAUFMAN
                The swamp is dark, dangerous, as dense as                     *
                steel wool, Donald. I don't know if                           *
                it'll kill me, but if it doesn't, I'll                        *
                have something honest to give the world.                      *
                          (MORE)

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 58
102   CONTINUED:                                                     102
                          KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                That's the difference between writing and
                aping some guy's "principles."                                *

      Donald looks up from his work.

                          DONALD
                Charles, I'm putting a song in. Like                          *
                when characters sing pop songs in their
                pajamas and dance around. I thought it
                might be a nice way to break the tension.                     *
                So, try to think of a song about multiple                     *
                personality. Hey, where you going?                            *

103   OMITTED                                                        103

104   INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT                                          104

      Kaufman reads The Orchid Thief.

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)
                You would have to want something very                         *
                badly to go looking for it in the                             *
                Fakahatchee Strand.                                           *

104A EXT. SWAMP - DAY                                            104A         *

      SUBTITLE: FAKAHATCHEE, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN YEARS EARLIER            *

      A surveyor scribbles in a notebook.   The pond is alive with            *
      alligators.                                                             *

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)                                       *
                An early surveyor made this entry in his                      *
                field notes: A pond surrounded by cypress                     *
                swamp, impracticable. Full of monstrous                       *
                alligators, counted fifty and stopped.                        *

104B INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT                                       104B         *

      Kaufman is getting more nervous. He closes the book and                 *
      watches a stewardess tending to another passenger.                      *

105   INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT                                  105

      Kaufman fixes a salad in the kitchenette. The door opens and
      the stewardess enters dragging her luggage on a little cart.

                            KAUFMAN
                Hey!    How was Denver?

                          STEWARDESS
                Oh, God, sweetie, I'm so glad to be home.                     *
                    (kisses him)                                              *
                          (MORE)

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 59
105   CONTINUED:                                                   105
                            STEWARDESS (cont'd)
                  Did you get any writing done? God, I've                   *
                  waited all day to feel you inside me.                     *

      The stewardess slips out of her blazer, unbuttons her blouse.
      Kaufman slides his hand into her open shirt and caresses her
      breast. She sighs contentedly.

106   INT. AIRPLANE BATHROOM - NIGHT                                106

      Kaufman finishes jerking off, stands, pulls up his pants,
      adjusts himself, and exits the bathroom.

107   INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUS                                    107

      Kaufman steps out of the bathroom. The stewardess is there
      talking to another stewardess. She regards Kaufman blankly,
      then goes back to her conversation. He heads up the aisle.
      One of the stewardesses laughs. He tenses, takes his seat.            *

108-114 OMITTED                                                 108-114     *

115   INT. RENTAL CAR - MORNING                                     115

      A pale, pasty Kaufman drives down a road surrounded by swamp.

                             ORLEAN (V.O.)
                   The swampy part of the Fakahatchee is hot                *
                   and wet and buggy and full of cottonmouth                *
                   snakes and diamond back rattlers and                     *
                   alligators and snapping turtles and
                   poisonous plants and wild hogs and...                    *

116   OMITTED                                                       116     *

117   EXT. SWAMP - MORNING                                          117

      The sky is overcast. Mike Owen leads Kaufman through a cool
      swamp, which is completely dry. The two men walk easily on
      peaty ground. Kaufman, slathered with sun screen and covered
      head to foot in unnecessary protective clothing, tries to be
      interested in Owen's lecture. He takes notes.                         *

                             MIKE OWEN
                   So the whole ecosystem is six thousand
                   years old. Five to six thousand years
                   old. About that. Five or six.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Okay.

                             MIKE OWEN
                   Now the Fakahatchee is the largest of all
                   the cyrpess strands, probably in the
                   world.
                             (MORE)
                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 60
117   CONTINUED:                                                   117
                          MIKE OWEN (cont'd)
                I don't know of any cypress strand
                bigger. It's about twenty miles long, or
                nineteen, nineteen to twenty, nineteen...
                and right here it's about five miles
                wide, four and a half, five. So, again,
                it's twenty miles long, three to five
                miles wide.

                          KAUFMAN
                Um, why isn't it wet? Susan Orlean said
                when she came she was up to her thighs in
                horrible, black water. It was                               *
                sweltering. There were snakes and
                alligators. She said it was the scariest
                thing she's ever done.

                          MIKE OWEN
                Well, there's usually water. We've been                     *
                going through a bit of a drought. Good
                for us today, though!                                       *

118   OMITTED                                                      118      *

119   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                      119

      Orlean, in her underwear and still dirty from the swamp,              *
      holds a phone to her ear. She has cute little dirty smudges
      on her face. Her caked-with-mud clothes are on the floor.             *

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)
                That night after Mike Owen took me into                     *
                the swamp, I called Laroche.                                *

                          ORLEAN (CONT'D)
                    (into phone)
                I didn't see anything but bare roots.
                And I had this thought. Maybe the ghost
                orchid only blooms in the minds of people
                who've walked too long in the swamp.

120   INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                              120

      Orlean types. It's pouring and sheets of rain beat against
      her window. She glances at her husband, across the room
      reading a book. She sighs, continues typing.

                          ORLEAN (V.O.)
                What I didn't say to him is that life
                seemed to be filled with things that were
                just like the ghost orchid -- wonderful
                to imagine and easy to fall in love with
                but a little fantastic and fleeting and
                out of reach.
                                                                             pg. 61



121-123 OMITTED                                                     121-123     *

123A INT. PLANE - NIGHT                                                123A     *

      A morose Kaufman reads The Orchid Thief.                                  *

                            KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                  ... fleeting and out of reach.                                *

      Kaufman is deeply moved. He hi-lites the passage, then looks
      at the smiling photo of Orlean. He finds himself lost in it.

124   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                           124

      Orlean, dirty from the swamp, is on the phone.

                            LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                      (beat,clears throat)
                  Jesus Christ, of course there are ghost
                  orchids out there! I've stolen them!
                      (beat, a cleared throat)
                  You should have gone with me.

125   CLOSE-UP OF MAGAZINE                                              125

      The line: "... then he cleared his throat and said: 'You
      should have gone with me.'"
                            VALERIE (O.C.)
                  Beautifully written. Really unique.

      PULL BACK TO:

126   INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAY                                          126

      Busy lunch crowd. Valerie sits at a table with Orlean and an
      open New Yorker magazine.

                               ORLEAN
                  Thank you.     Thanks very much.

                             VALERIE
                  We're big fans. Laroche is such a fun                         *
                  character.

                            ORLEAN
                  Yeah, John's a character all right.

                            VALERIE
                  It's funny and fresh.    And sad in a way.

                            ORLEAN
                  Well, thanks. Thank you.

                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 62
126   CONTINUED:                                                       126


                          VALERIE
                So we were wondering, what's next?

                             ORLEAN
                   Oh, um, Random House wants me to expand
                   it into a book. So I'll be doing that.

                             VALERIE
                   And there'll be more of Laroche?

                              ORLEAN
                   Yeah.   More John, more orchids.

                             VALERIE
                   Y'know, we'd really like to option this.                     *

                             ORLEAN
                       (laughing)
                   You want to make it into a movie?                            *

                             VALERIE
                   Laroche is such a fun character.                             *

127   INT. VAN - DAY                                                   127

      Laroche, wearing a Cleveland Indians T-shirt, drives crazily
      thorugh the Hollywood, Florida Seminole reservation. Orlean
      holds on, but seems to be enjoying herself now.

                              LAROCHE
                   No shit I'm a fun character.
                       (beat)
                   Who's gonna play me?

      Orlean laughs, a real affection for Laroche in her manner.                *

                             ORLEAN
                   I've got to write it first. Then
                   someone's gotta do the screenplay. These                     *
                   things mostly never get made. So --                          *

                             LAROCHE
                   I think I should play me.

      Orlean is charmed.     Laroche swerves into a parking space in
      the nursery lot.

128   EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY     - DAY                                  128

      Laroche and Orlean get out of the van.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 63
128   CONTINUED:                                                   128


                           LAROCHE
                I've got all the right qualities to play
                Laroche. While you write, I'll take                         *
                acting classes. I'll study the shit out                     *
                of acting.                                                  *

      A few young Indian guys haul bags of potting soil and look at
      Laroche sourly. Orlean scans the grounds for Vinson.                  *
      Laroche indicates the giant cartoon Indian on his T-shirt.            *

                          LAROCHE
                I wear this just to screw with 'em.

129   INT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS                                     129

      Laroche enters his office, looks at some papers on his desk.

                          LAROCHE
                Most of them don't even bother calling me
                John anymore. Now it's "Crazy White
                Man." That's a good title for the movie.                    *

      Before Orlean can respond, Laroche picks up the phone and
      dials an impossibly long number. He waits, gestures for
      Orlean to sit on a chair piled high with junk.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                   You won't hurt anything.

      Orlean moves the junk over, shares the seat with it.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                       (Yelling into phone)
                   Hello? Hello? Hi? This is John Laroche
                   from the Seminole Nursery. Sem-ih-nole!
                       (to Orlean)
                   How do you say Seminole in Spanish?
                       (into phone)
                   That's right, yes! Yeah, I want to order
                   some more of those pink string beans!                    *
                       (yelling)
                   Pink String Beans! Pink String Beans!

      Buster appears in the door.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                       (into phone)
                   I'll call back. Back!                                    *
                       (hangs up)
                   Hey, Buster.

                             BUSTER                                         *
                   John.

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 64
129   CONTINUED:                                                     129


                          LAROCHE
                I was trying to order some pink string
                beans from Argentina.

                          BUSTER                                              *
                No kidding.

                          LAROCHE
                I figure just because Project Ghost
                Orchid is dead, we're not closing shop.

                          BUSTER
                Listen, John --

                          LAROCHE
                We'll get into plant multiplication. Buy
                little ones, turn 'em into big ones, sell
                'em at a profit. Simple plant
                multiplication for the masses.

                          BUSTER                                              *
                John, we're thinking maybe now's a good
                time for you to take a few weeks.

      Laroche stops short. He glances over at Orlean, humiliated
      in front of her. Her heart is breaking for him. There are
      tears welling in her eyes. Laroche looks back at Buster.

                             ORLEAN
                   I'll wait outside.

                             LAROCHE
                   No.                                                        *

      Laroche stares at Buster. Buster stares back.    Orlean does
      what she can to make herself invisible.

                             LAROCHE (CONT'D)                                 *
                   Y'know, the guys on my crew here, all
                   they do is smoke weed all day. I been
                   meaning to talk to you about that. So if
                   it's a question of productivity -- I got                   *
                   lot's of ideas, Buster, I'm really                         *
                   excited about. The sprinklers were                         *
                   busted for a while, so all the dead                        *
                   shrubs... But I got it fixed. It's                         *
                   fixed. And we'll recover quick and --                      *

130   INT. VAN - A FEW MINUTES LATER                                 130

      Laroche weaves through traffic.    Orlean holds on.



                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 65
130   CONTINUED:                                                130


                          LAROCHE
                Goddamn politics. Crazy White Man's bad
                publicity. Oooh, Crazy, crazy white man.                 *
                    (pounds steering wheel)
                I can't believe I'm dealing with this!
                    (pounds steering wheel)
                Like I could give a damn. If they fire
                me, I'll sue. I already did some legal
                research on this. They can't fire me.
                And I ain't going to quit.

      Laroche gets quiet and they drive in silence.                      *

131   OMITTED                                                   131      *

132   INT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY                                    132      *

      It's on the side of a desolate stretch of Florida road.            *
      Orlean dials the phone. It rings for a long time. Finally:

                             LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                       (ghost-like)
                   Yeah?

133   INT. LITTLE BOY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS                       133      *

      The flower posters are gone. There is nothing on the walls.        *
      The room looks sad, empty, and anonymous. We don't see             *
      Laroche at all. He's in the room but the camera searchs and        *
      never finds him.                                                   *

                             ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE)                        *
                   John, it's Susan...                                   *

                                LAROCHE (O.C.)                           *
                   Susan who?                                            *

                             ORLEAN                                      *
                   ... Look, I was just wondering if you                 *
                   might be willing to talk some more.                   *

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                   What about?

                            ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE)
                   John! Stop! I'm trying to put together                *
                   a book. Don't just abandon me down here.

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                   I'm no longer interested in orchids. I'm
                   pursuing other avenues. I apologize for
                   any inconvenience this might cause you.
                                                                        pg. 66



134   INT. PHONE BOOTH - CONTINUOUS                                134     *

                          LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                Thank you for your time.

      Laroche hangs up. Orlean stands there for a moment, then             *
      falls to the floor and breaks into tears.                            *

                          ORLEAN                                           *
                Goddamnit, Susan. Just stop crying!                        *
                This is your fucking life! What are you                    *
                doing? What are you doing, what are --                     *

135   INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                  135

      SUBTITLE: CANTON, OHIO, THIRTY-FOUR YEARS EARLIER                    *

      The little girl's room from before, but it's a teenager's            *
      room now. Bob Dylan's Just Like a Woman plays on the stereo.         *
      On the walls are posters of Dylan, Velvet Underground and a          *
      pilfered movie poster from Bergman's Persona; on the floor           *
      are records and books, a copy of I Been Down So Long It Looks        *
      Like Up to Me by Richard Farina. On the dresser, make-up, a          *
      tampax box, a NOW button. A blonde, skinny teenage girl in           *
      embroidered, hip-hugger bell-bottoms and a peasant blouse,           *
      lies on her bed and writes in her journal.

                          TEENAGE GIRL (V.O.)
                I baby-sat for Kelly tonight and just
                stared into her blue, infant eyes. She
                is so pure, so present, so beautiful.
                What happens to everyone? I apologized
                to her for what she will have to become
                to survive the nastiness. Then I cried.
                I couldn't stop. At one point, Kelly
                smiled up at me: the baby trying to
                comfort the fucked-up adult. And I
                thought, how perfect, it's starting
                already.

136   OMITTED                                                      136     *

137   MONTAGE                                                      137     *

      Susan Orlean, her journalist persona on, talks to various            *
      orchid enthusiasts, visits nurseries, sits in lecture halls,
      attends orchid shows. She is bored and distracted.

137A INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                      137A     *

      Orlean sits on her bed, lonely and lost. She flips through           *
      her address book. There is no one to call.                           *


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 67
137A CONTINUED:                                                    137A

     She studies her orchid contact list. There's Vinson's phone             *
     number. After a long beat she dials the phone.                          *

137B INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER                                        137B     *

     Orlean, dolled-up, anxiously gets ready to go out, eyes                 *
     herself in the mirror, plays with her hair. The phone rings.            *
     She picks up.                                                           *

                            ORLEAN                                           *
                  Hello? David! Hi. Not really. Um...                        *
                  okay. Hey, honey, can I call you back?                     *
                  I've got an interview and -- No, it might                  *
                  be late. Let me call you in the morning.                   *
                  Yeah. Work good? Good. Okay, hon, I'll                     *
                  speak to you in the morning.                               *

137C INT. HOTEL BAR - A LITTLE LATER                                137C     *

     Orlean sits by herself at a table and watches the door. She             *
     sips a glass of champagne. Her notebook and tape recorder               *
     are on the table. After a few moments, Vinson enters. She               *
     waves. He saunters over and sits.                                       *

                            ORLEAN                                           *
                      (slightly tipsy)                                       *
                  Hey, thanks for coming. This should be                     *
                  really helpful. I'm glad you                               *
                  reconsidered talking.                                      *

                             VINSON                                          *
                  Yeah.   Sure thing.                                        *

     There's a silence.                                                      *

                            ORLEAN                                           *
                  Um, okay. So, what was it like for you,                    *
                  this whole media circus?                                   *

     Orlean fumbles to turn on her tape recorder.    Vinson watches          *
     her trembly fingers.                                                    *

                            VINSON                                           *
                  I don't know. Y'know?   Just, y'know.                      *

                         ORLEAN                                              *
               Yeah. Uh-huh. It must've been crazy!                          *
               Boy, I was just fascinated with this                          *
               story and, um, all the Native American                        *
               aspects and, y'know, how... large the                         *
               scope was and...                                              *




                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 68
137C CONTINUED:                                                    137C


      Orlean trails off. Vinson is different than the last time              *
      she met him. He barely looks at her, he seems bored and                *
      impatient. Orlean is at a loss.                                        *

                          ORLEAN (cont'd)                                    *
                ... so I thought it would be helpful...                      *
                for me... to hear a little bit about your                    *
                background and how you came to --                            *

                          VINSON                                             *
                We should go to your room. I can reveal                      *
                all sorts of Native American aspects up                      *
                there.                                                       *

                          ORLEAN                                             *
                Oh. Um, we can talk here. Y'know. I                          *
                think we can -- this seems fine... here.                     *

                          VINSON                                             *
                    (stares at her for a moment)                             *
                Listen, do you want to get laid or not.                      *
                You were awfully fucking flirty on the                       *
                phone.                                                       *

                          ORLEAN                                             *
                Oh. Gosh. No, I just -- Did I --                             *
                communicate something? No, no. No, I                         *
                just wanted to get some, um, Native                          *
                American, um, look, I apologize, if --                       *

                            VINSON                                           *
                Ah, fuck.    I drove an hour to get here.                    *

      He heads out the door without looking back. Orlean just sits           *
      there. She's shaking. She finishes her drink.                          *

138   OMITTED                                                        138     *

139   INT. EMPTY HOUSE - NIGHT                                       139     *

      Kaufman enters with his bags and heads to the stairs.
      Donald, typing furiously at his desk, looks up.

                          DONALD
                How was Florida, man?

                          KAUFMAN
                    (climbing the stairs)
                Okay.

                          DONALD
                Hey, my script's going amazing! Right
                now I'm working out an Image System.
                          (MORE)
                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 69
139   CONTINUED:                                                       139
                          DONALD (cont'd)
                Because of my multiple personality theme,
                I've chosen the motif of broken mirrors
                to show my protagonist's fragmented self.
                Bob says an Image System greatly
                increases the complexity of an aesthetic
                emotion. Bob says --

                          KAUFMAN
                You sound like you're in a cult.

      Kaufman disappears upstairs.

                          DONALD
                No, it's just good writing technique.
                    (types, then:)
                Oh, I made you a copy of McKee's Ten
                Commandments. I've posted one over both
                our work areas.

140   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS                                   140

      Kaufman tears down the Ten Commandments. Donald appears                   *
      backlit in the doorway and seems oddly threatening.

                             DONALD
                   You shouldn't have done that.

      They look at each other.    Donald breaks the tension, smiles.

                          DONALD (cont'd)
                'Cause it's extremely helpful.
                    (lies down on floor)                                        *
                Hey, I got a song! "Happy Together." I                          *
                was worried about putting a song in a
                thriller, but Bob says Casablanca, one of                       *
                the greatest screenplays ever written,                          *
                did exactly that. Mixed genres.

                          KAUFMAN
                I need to go to bed, Donald.       I haven't
                slept in a week.

                            DONALD
                Okay.    Cool. Good night.                                      *

      Donald remains on the floor.

141   OMITTED                                                           141     *

142   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                        142     *

      Kaufman lies half-awake in bed, sweating, his eyes darting
      back and forth. He looks over at the clock. It's 3:32.


                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 70
142   CONTINUED:                                                       142


                             KAUFMAN
                Damn it.

      Donald is no longer in the room, but can be heard happily                 *
      snoring off-screen.   Kaufman switches on a lamp, pulls The               *
      Orchid Thief from his bag, flips through it. There are now
      many yellow hi-lited passages. He reads one.

                             KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                   There are too many ideas and things and
                   people, too many directions to go. I was
                   starting to believe the reason it matters
                   to care passionately about something is
                   that it whittles the world down to a more
                   manageable size.

                             KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                   Such sweet, sad insights. So true.

      Kaufman flips to the glowing, smiling author photo.

                             KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                   I like looking at you.

      He stares at the photo.    Its smile broadens.    It talks.

                             ORLEAN PHOTO
                   I like looking at you, too.   Charlie.

      The photo smiles warmly at him.    Kaufman closes his eyes,
      begins to jerk off.

      Then: Kaufman and Orlean are in his bed together, making
      love. She smiles at him throughout. They finish.

      Then: Kaufman is alone in bed, heaving. He looks at the
      still smiling photo. It seems somehow sleepy now.

                             KAUFMAN
                   I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid
                   I'll disappoint you. You've written a
                   beautiful book. I can't sleep. I'm
                   losing my hair. I'm fat and repulsive --

                             ORLEAN PHOTO
                   Shhh. You're not. Whittle it down.
                   Focus on one thing in the story, find the
                   thing you care passionately about and
                   write about that.

      Kaufman studies her delicate, melancholy face.        He's in love.



                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 71
142   CONTINUED: (2)                                                142


                          ORLEAN PHOTO (cont'd)
                    (sweet, flirty smile)
                I figured there might be something...

143   INT. KITCHEN - MORNING                                         143

      Kaufman paces and talks animatedly into his mini-recorder.

                          KAUFMAN
                We see Susan Orlean, delicate, fragile,
                beautiful, haunted by loneliness, typing
                at her desk. We hear her voice-over.
                    (reading book)
                "John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
                stick..."

      Donald, in his underwear, enters with Caroline.   She's in a T-        *
      shirt we've seen Donald wearing.                                       *

                            DONALD
                Morning.

                            CAROLINE                                         *
                Hi!                                                          *

      Kaufman looks up, sees Caroline with Donald, smiles.                   *

                            KAUFMAN
                Hey, hey.

                          DONALD
                    (pouring coffee)                                         *
                You seem chipper.

                            KAUFMAN
                I'm good.    I have some new ideas.

                          CAROLINE                                           *
                God, you guys are so smart!   It's like a                    *
                brain factory here.                                          *

                          DONALD
                    (modestly)                                               *
                I got some ideas, too, this morning.                         *

                          CAROLINE                                           *
                Really, really good ones.                                    *

                          DONALD                                             *
                I'm putting in a chase sequence now. The                     *
                killer flees on horseback with the girl.
                The cop is after them on a motorcycle.
                          (MORE)

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 72
143   CONTINUED:                                                   143
                            DONALD (cont'd)
                  It's like a battle between motors and
                  horses. Like technology versus horses.

                            KAUFMAN
                  And they're all still one person, right?

                            DONALD
                  Hey, that's the big pay-off.

                             KAUFMAN
                      (nice)
                  Well, it sounds exciting.

                            DONALD
                  Thanks, man. Thanks.

      Caroline kisses Donald on the cheek.                                  *

                            CAROLINE                                        *
                  Told you he'd like it.                                    *

144-147 OMITTED                                                144-147      *

148   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM   - NIGHT                                 148

      Kaufman has a bunch of 1960's reference books on the floor in         *
      front of him. He is looking at one entitled Pop Music of the
      Sixties. He copies down the names of Bob Dylan and Velvet             *
      Underground. He reads the lyrics to Just Like a Woman                 *
      andseems pleased. The notebook page already includes: Tampax          *
      Box, NOW button, I Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me           *
      by Richard Farina, peasant blouse, Bergman's Persona.                 *
      Kaufman seems quite pleased with his research. He picks up
      The Orchid Thief to reward himself with a glance at the
      Orlean photograph. But he opens the book to the wrong page
      and sees an About the Author paragraph. The last line jumps
      off the page: "She now lives in New York City with her
      husband."

149   EXT. L.A. STREET - NIGHT                                     149

      Kaufman wanders the street, distraught.    A couple of passing
      women snicker. At him?

150   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                   150

      Kaufman types with new resolve.

                            KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                  Susan watches her husband across the                      *
                  dinner table. She thinks, who is this                     *
                  man? She thinks, why am I here? She                       *
                  thinks, how did this happen?                              *
                                                                        pg. 73



151   INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY                                    151

      Kaufman and Orlean move furniture into the room. It now
      looks warm and inviting. Orlean wears a bandana kerchief.

                          KAUFMAN
                I'm so thrilled I get to adapt your book,
                get to merge our thoughts. I love that.                     *
                It's intimate, like a marriage.

                          ORLEAN
                Not like a marriage.

                          KAUFMAN
                Maybe what marriage could be?                               *

      Her eyes tear up. She kisses him on the cheek, exactly as             *
      Caroline kissed Donald.                                               *

                          ORLEAN
                Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?
                My three years in Florida meditating on
                my inability to experience passion
                resulted in my finding it with you.

      They kiss and fall onto the new couch.

152   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNING                                    152

      Kaufman masturbates alone in bed.

153   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                              153

      Kaufman paces with his mini-recorder. Off-screen laughing
      and chattering from Donald and Caroline.                              *

                          KAUFMAN
                We see the little girl writing in her                       *
                journal. Her drunken mother enters, sits                    *
                on young Susan's bed and cries. We see                      *
                the loneliness of her childhood, her                        *
                mother's disappointment at life, and how                    *
                it forever scars the little girl.                           *

      Kaufman is immensely pleased.    He smiles at Orlean's photo.

                          KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                This is good. I'm finding you.

      The phone rings.

                           KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                Yallo?

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 74
153   CONTINUED:                                                      153


                          VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                Hi, Charlie. It's Valerie. Just bugging
                you again. How's everything going?

                               KAUFMAN
                   Good.    I think really good now.

                              VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                   Great.   So I spoke to Susan yesterday.

                              KAUFMAN
                       (beat)
                   Uh-huh, uh-huh.

                             VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                   I told her you were making terrific
                   progress and she's really excited to read
                   the script.

      Sweat appears on Kaufman's brow.

                               KAUFMAN
                   Good.                                                       *

                             VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                   And she said she'd love to meet you.

      All color drains from Kaufman's face.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Um, well, y'know, for me it's distracting
                   to... or confusing to discuss what I'm
                   exploring in the screenplay at this
                   point... before I finish... So...                           *

                             VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                   That's fair. I'll let her know.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Tell Susan I'd be very happy to meet her
                   at a future date. As she sees fit.

                               VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
                   Okay.    Good enough.

                             KAUFMAN
                   And tell her how much I love her book.
                   Say I think she's a great writer. Tell
                   her I said that. Okay?                                      *




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 75
153   CONTINUED: (2)                                                153


                          VALERIE (cont'd)
                Will do. Just keep us posted, Charlie.
                Because we're very excited and anxious                       *
                and all those good things.                                   *

                           KAUFMAN
                Okay.   Nice talking to you.                                 *

      Kaufman hangs up and looks at the photo of Orlean. It's
      still smiling, but not at him. It's not glowing. Maybe it's
      even smirking. Kaufman paces frantically, holding his
      stomach. Donald's off-screen typing grows louder.

154   INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                           154

      Donald types at his desk on his computer. Caroline, on the             *
      floor, sips coffee and skims a magazine. Kaufman storms in.            *

                          KAUFMAN
                You can sit here and pretend to be a
                writer, mocking the seriousness of what I
                do, like some kind of fucking funhouse
                mirror version of me! But let me tell
                you, you don't know what writing is!

      Kaufman grabs his stomach, doubles over.

155   INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY                                     155

      Kaufman is on a gurney and hooked up to an IV. He watches a
      slightly haggard woman with a bandaged head sitting in a
      small room across the hall. She glances over in his
      direction. He smiles. She looks through him.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                She thinks I'm repulsive. She thinks,                        *
                why aren't there any cute guys in                            *
                emergency rooms. She thinks --                               *

      An attendant enters the room across the hall and wheels the            *
      woman out. It is obvious she's only semi-conscious.                    *

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)                            *
                I'm an idiot. I'm completely self-                           *
                involved. Of course it's impossible for                      *
                me to write about anyone else's --                           *

      Kaufman's eyes light up.                                               *

156   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY                                      156

      Kaufman paces with his mini-cassette.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                                 pg. 76
156   CONTINUED:                                                           156


                            KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                  Movie opens. Charlie Kaufman, fat, old,
                  bald, paces. His voice-over carpets the                           *
                  scene. "I am old. I am fat."                                      *

157-160 OMITTED                                                     157-160         *

161   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                              161

      Orlean is on the phone. She is shaky and drunk and still                      *
      dolled-up from her interview with Vinson.                                     *

                              LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                   Yeah?

                             ORLEAN
                   It's Susan again.                                                *

                              LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
                   I know.                                                          *

                             ORLEAN                                                 *
                   Um, how's it going?                                              *

161A INT. LITTLE BOY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS                            161A         *

      The room is now filled with computer equipment.         Posters of            *
      naked women adorn the walls.                                                  *

                             LAROCHE                                                *
                   Great! I'm training myself on the                                *
                   Internet. It's fascinating. I'm doing                            *
                   pornography. It's amazing how much these                         *
                   suckers will pay for photographs of                              *
                   chicks. And it doesn't matter if they're                         *
                   fat or ugly or what.                                             *

                             ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE)                                   *
                   That sounds good.                                                *

                             LAROCHE                                                *
                   It's great is what it is.                                        *

                             ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE)                                   *
                   So, look, I hate feeling like I'm being a                        *
                   pain to you, but I still haven't seen a                          *
                   ghost. And I was hoping, maybe you'd --                          *

                             LAROCHE                                                *
                   Yeah, yeah. I'll take you in.      Tomorrow.                     *

                              ORLEAN                                                *
                   Really?   Thank you so much!   Oh, John!                         *
                                                                      pg. 77



162   INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT                                 162

      Kaufman types.   The cassette player plays.                        *

                          KAUFMAN (ON RECORDER)
                Kaufman, repugnant, ridiculous, jerks off
                to the book jacket photo of Susan Orlean.

      Donald appears in the doorway with a script.

                           KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                What?!   What do you want?

                          DONALD
                I finished my script.   I'm done.

      Kaufman stares at his typewriter, doesn't say anything.

                          DONALD (cont'd)
                So would you show it to your agent?
                    (proudly)
                It's called The Three.

      Kaufman grabs Donald's script and throws it on his bed. The
      Three is printed on the cover in some dramatic bold typeface.

                          DONALD (cont'd)
                Thanks. Also, I wanted to thank you for
                your idea. It was very helpful. I
                changed it a little. Now the killer cuts
                off body pieces and makes the victims eat
                them.   It's, like, Caroline has this                    *
                great tattoo of a snake swallowing it's                  *
                tail and --                                              *

      Kaufman puts his head in his hands.

                          KAUFMAN
                Ourobouros.

                          DONALD
                I don't know what that means.

                          KAUFMAN
                The snake is called Ourobouros.

                          DONALD
                I don't think so. But, anyway, it's cool
                for my killer to have this modus
                operandi. Because at the end when he
                forces the woman, who's really him, to
                eat herself, he's also eating himself to
                death.

                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 78
162   CONTINUED:                                                     162


                          KAUFMAN
                I'm insane. I'm Ourobouros.

                          DONALD
                I don't know what that word means.

                          KAUFMAN
                I've written myself into my screenplay.
                It's eating itself. I'm eating myself.

                            DONALD
                Oh.    That's kinda weird, huh?

                          KAUFMAN
                It's self-indulgent. It's narcissistic.
                It's solipsistic. It's pathetic. I'm
                pathetic. I'm fat and pathetic.

                             DONALD
                   I'm sure you had good reasons, Charles.                    *
                   You're an artist.

                             KAUFMAN
                   The reason is I'm too timid to speak to
                   the woman who wrote the book. Because
                   I'm pathetic. Because I have no idea how
                   to write. Because I can't make flowers
                   fascinating. Because I suck.

                             DONALD
                   Hey, am I in the script?

                             KAUFMAN
                   I'm going to New York. I'll meet her.
                   That's it. That's what I have to do.

                             DONALD
                   Don't get mad at me for saying this,
                   Charles, but Bob's got a seminar in New
                   York this weekend at the Hyatt Regency.                    *
                   So if you're stuck --

      Kaufman shoots Donald a look.                                           *

163   OMITTED                                                         163     *

164   INT. CAR - A BIT LATER                                          164

      The sun has come up strong. It looks hot. Laroche speeds
      along with one finger on the wheel, paying little attention
      to the road. The car veers onto the shoulder, he lazily
      corrects it. Orlean is tense.


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 79
164   CONTINUED:                                                       164


                             LAROCHE
                  I remember one time when I was fifteen,                       *
                  my mother and I came to the Fakahatchee
                  to look for a ghost. We walked for                            *
                  hours, through the most intense heat I'd
                  ever felt.    We couldn't find one. I
                  wanted to turn back. But my mom said,                         *
                  John, if you keep searching for something
                  past doubt, past hopelessness, past the
                  absolute certainty that you'll never find
                  it, there it'll be. So we walked. I had                       *
                  goddamn bloody blisters on my feet. And
                  we found ourselves in this charred
                  prairie, desolate, sun blasted, y'know.
                  And there in the middle of it was this
                  one gorgeous, snowy Polyrrhiza lindenii.

      They drive in silence for a little while.     She watches him.

164A EXT. MIDTOWN NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY                       164A

      Kaufman, sweaty and anxious, walks along.                                 *

                            ORLEAN (V.O.)                                       *
                  He made it sound like a Bible story, the
                  hopeful journey through darkness into
                  light. I never thought many people in
                  the world were like John, but I was
                  realizing more and more that Laroche was
                  an extreme, not an aberration -- most for
                  something exceptional, something to
                  pursue, even at their peril, rather than
                  abide an ordinary life.

      Kaufman arrives at the New Yorker building and enters with                *
      steely determination.

165-167 OMITTED                                                 165-167         *

168   EXT. SWAMP - MORNING                                             168      *

      Laroche and Orlean step off the levee into black water. They
      sink to their knees. The ground is soft; it's a struggle to               *
      pull their feet up to walk. Things slither past in the
      water. Something big runs by in the distance. Bees, and                   *
      dragonflies hover. Gnats and mosquitoes bite. Birds
      screech. Frogs croak. Laroche points to a yellow flower.

                            LAROCHE
                  Here we go. Encyclia tempensis.

      Laroche lights a cigarette.


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 80
168   CONTINUED:                                                168


                          LAROCHE (cont'd)
                Nice little sucker, isn't it?

      Orlean examines it. Laroche continues and Orlean attempts to       *
      keep pace. He points at a tiny orchid on another tree.

                             LAROCHE (CONT'D)
                   Clamshell orchid. You know that.                      *

                             ORLEAN
                   Uh-huh.

                          LAROCHE
                See, I found you two already. I'll show
                you every orchid you want today. I'll
                find you a fucking ghost if it kills me.
                    (pointing to another orchid)
                Rigid Epidendrum. That's an ugly-ass
                orchid. But I'm no snob. I'm interested
                in all orchids. Not just pretty ones.

      Orlean laughs appreciatively.                                      *

169   OMITTED                                                   169      *

170   INT. ELEVATOR - DAY                                       170      *

      Kaufman rides up in the crowded elevator. It stops a few
      times; people get off and on. Kaufman sweats. The doors
      open. The New Yorker logo is painted on the wall opposite
      the elevator. Nobody gets off or on. The doors close. The
      elevator continues up. Kaufman hates himself. Soon the
      elevator is emptied out with the exception of Kaufman. It
      begins its descent and stops once again at the New Yorker.
      This time Orlean gets on. Kaufman is panicked. Orlean looks        *
      at him blankly, presses "lobby", and faces front. Kaufman
      sweats, studies the back of her head. The elevator arrives
      at the lobby. Orlean gets out. Kaufman hesitates.                  *

171   EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY                           171

      Orlean walks along.    Kaufman follows her.

172   EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNING                                 172

      The sun is much higher in the sky. Orlean is a sweaty mess,
      frizzed hair, anxious, scraped, dirty.

                             LAROCHE
                       (peppy)
                   They're right nearby.   Just follow me.
                                                                         pg. 81



173   INT. RESTAURANT - DAY                                         173

      Orlean sits by herself, reading Vanity Fair. Kaufman sits a
      few tables away. He scribbles in his notebook.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                Reads Vanity Fair. Funny detail: New
                Yorker writer reads Vanity Fair. Use!

      A waitress brings a tuna sandwich and an iced tea to Orlean.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
                Likes tuna, drinks iced tea. Good
                character details. Good stuff!

      Orlean looks up from her magazine and smiles at the waitress.

                           ORLEAN
                Thanks.   Could I get some lemon please?

      The waitress nods and leaves.   Kaufman scribbles.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                Likes lemon in tea and her voice is not
                at all what I imagined. Interesting!

174   EXT. SWAMP - NOON                                             174

      Orlean follows Laroche. She watches him start off in one
      direction, stop, then go in another direction.                        *

                          ORLEAN
                Can I ask you a personal question?                          *

      Laroche turns and scowls at her.

                          LAROCHE
                We're not lost.

175   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                       175

      Kaufman types from his notes.                                         *

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                Orlean turns from the prosecutor to the                     *
                waitress and says: Could I get some                         *
                lemon, please?                                              *

      Kaufman reads what he has written. He's frustrated,                   *
      hysterical. He paces, yanks the sheets from the bed, tries            *
      to tear them, swings them wildly, knocking over a bedside             *
      lamp and shattering the bulb.                                         *


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 82
175   CONTINUED:                                                  175

      He stops, heaves, bends to pick up the broken glass. The             *
      phone rings. He answers it, still holding the glass.                 *

                                 KAUFMAN (CONT'D)                          *
                Hello?                                                     *

                          MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                          *
                Hey, it's Marty. How's it going? Has it                    *
                been helpful to talk to the writer?                        *
                What's her name?                                           *

                          KAUFMAN                                          *
                Susan Orlean. It's been okay.                              *

                          MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                          *
                Well, I mean, are you making headway?                      *
                Valerie's breathing down my neck.                          *

                             KAUFMAN                                       *
                       (hollow)                                            *
                   You can't rush inspiration.                             *

                          MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                          *
                Okay, fair enough. Um, the other reason                    *
                I'm calling is to tell you The Three is                    *
                just amazing.                                              *

                          KAUFMAN                                          *
                I don't know what that is.                                 *

                             MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                       *
                   Donald's script! A smart, edgy thriller.                *
                   Best script I've read this year.                        *

                                 KAUFMAN                                   *
                   Oh.   Good.                                             *

                             MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                       *
                   I'll sell it for a shitload. Two fucking                *
                   talented guys in one family. Y'know,                    *
                   maybe you could bring your brother on to                *
                   help you finish the orchid thing.                       *

                             KAUFMAN                                       *
                   Marty, don't say that.     I mean --                    *

                             MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                       *
                   Just a thought, buddy. He's really                      *
                   goddamn amazing at structure.                           *

                             KAUFMAN                                       *
                   I gotta go. I have an appointment.                      *



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 83
175   CONTINUED: (2)                                              175


                             MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE)                       *
                   Adios, amigo. Finish! Finish!                           *

176   EXT. SWAMP    - LATER                                        176

      The sun is high. Orlean and Laroche sit on dry ground. She
      stares at him. He won't look at her, but busies himself
      opening the backpack and pulling out food. Finally:

                             LAROCHE
                   I'm just turned around a little.

      He looks up at her, sees her staring at him. He pokes around
      on the ground for something, comes up with a straight twig.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                   A sundial. I'll just set this up, wait a
                   few minutes, and we'll be able to tell
                   which way the sun is moving. We want to
                   be heading southeast.

      Laroche sticks the twig into the ground, stares at it.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                   You should eat something.

      Orlean takes a cracker. This relaxes Laroche. He stretches
      his legs, knocks over the twig. Without looking at Orlean,
      he puts the twig back.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                   So do you collect anything?

                             ORLEAN
                       (non-responsive)
                   Not really.

                             LAROCHE
                   Well, y'know it's not really about
                   collecting the thing, it's about --

                             ORLEAN
                   The sundial isn't working.

      Laroche looks down at it.

                               LAROCHE
                   It is so.

      Orlean stares at the twig in the ground. She looks at
      Laroche. Laroche smiles sheepishly at Orlean. Rage and
      panic sweep across her face, her fists clench into balls.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 84
176   CONTINUED:                                                 176

      Her eyes become wild, some dark fantasy plays out in her
      brain. Laroche seems unaware.                                       *

                             ORLEAN                                       *
                       (panicky)                                          *
                   Look, look, I need to --                               *

                             LAROCHE                                      *
                   The thing about computers. The thing I
                   like is that I'm immersed in it but it's
                   not a living thing that's going to leave
                   or die or something.                                   *

      Orlean looks sadly at Laroche.                                      *

                             LAROCHE (CONT'D)                             *
                   Okay, fuck the sundial. We'll just go
                   straight and eventually we'll get there.

      They rise.

                             LAROCHE (cont'd)
                   What I mean is we'll get somewhere. Out
                   of here. I mean, logically, we have to
                   get out as long as we walk straight.

      Laroche points them in a direction and they walk.                   *

177   OMITTED                                                    177      *

178   EXT. NYC STREETS (MONTAGE) - MORNING                       178      *

      Kaufman wanders. He eyes other sad-looking, balding,
      overweight men wandering the streets also.

                             KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                   I am fat. I am repulsive. I am old.    I               *
                   can't write. I am just one more old,                   *
                   fat, bald man on the street.

179   EXT. SWAMP - DAY                                           179

      Laroche leads the way. There's a sadness, a sense of defeat
      and humiliation that he tries to conceal. Orlean is stony.

                             LAROCHE
                   I've done this a million times. Whenever
                   everything's killing me, I just say to
                   myself, screw it, and go straight ahead.

      Laroche leads Orlean back into the brush.
                                                                          pg. 85



180   EXT. NYC STREET - MORNING                                      180

      Kaufman sees a glass building ahead, glowing in the sun.     He        *
      walks toward it.                                                       *

181   INT. LOBBY - MORNING                                           181

      The lobby of an auditorium, crowded with enthusiastic people
      signing up for something. Kaufman waits in line.    He
      watches the handsome guy ahead of him flirt with a female              *
      registrar. The guy moves on and the registrar looks without            *
      interest at Kaufman.

                             REGISTRAR
                Yes?

      Kaufman averts his eyes from her cool gaze; they come to rest
      on a pile of McKee's book Story next to her.

182   INT. AUDITORIUM - A BIT LATER                                  182

      Kaufman sits in the packed room.   McKee paces the stage with
      a mic clipped to his lapel.

                          MCKEE
                Years from now you'll be standing around
                a posh cocktail party congratulating
                yourself on how you spent an entire
                weekend locked in a room with an asshole                     *
                from Hollywood for your art.                                 *

      The audience laughs, except for Kaufman who looks pained.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                I am pathetic. I am a loser.    I am fat.

                          MCKEE
                So... what is the substance of writing?
                Nothing as trivial as words is at the
                heart of this great art.                                     *

      McKee continues to talk but his voice goes under.

                          KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                I have failed. I am panicked. I am fat.
                I have sold out. I am worthless. I...

                          MCKEE
                Literary talent is not enough. First,
                last, and always the imperative is too
                tell a story.

      Kaufman watches with disdain as people take notes.

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 86
182   CONTINUED:                                                    182


                          MCKEE
                Twenty-three hundred years ago, Aristotle
                said, when storytelling goes bad in a
                society, the result is decadence.
                    (deadpan)
                Well, just look around you.

      Everyone except Charlie laughs at McKee's joke.

                          MCKEE (cont'd)
                Your goal must be a good story well told.                    *
                Craft is the sum total of all means used                     *
                to draw the audience into deep                               *
                involvement, and ultimately to reward it                     *
                with a moving and meaningful experience.                     *

183   INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER                                        183

      McKee scribbles a diagram onto a transparency in an overhead
      projector. It's some kind of complicated time-line with act-
      breaks and corresponding page numbers indicated. The
      audience members take copious notes. Kaufman sweats.

                             KAUFMAN (V.O.)
                   It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of
                   conviction that brings me here. Easy                      *
                   answers. Rules to short-cut yourself to
                   success. And here I am, because my jaunt
                   into the abyss brought me nothing. Well,
                   isn't that the risk one takes for
                   attempting something new. I should leave
                   here right now. I'll start over --
                       (starts to rise)
                   I need to face this project head on and --

                             MCKEE
                   ... and God help you if you use voice-
                   over in your work, my friends.

      Kaufman looks up, startled.    McKee seems to watching him.            *

                             MCKEE (CONT'D)
                   God help you! It's flaccid, sloppy                        *
                   writing. Any idiot can write voice-over                   *
                   narration to explain the thoughts of a                    *
                   character. You must present the internal                  *
                   conflicts of your character in action.                    *

      Kaufman looks around at people scribbling in notebooks.
      "Flaccid..." writes the guy on one side of him. "Any
      idiot..." writes the guy on the other side.



                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 87
183   CONTINUED:                                                   183


                          MCKEE (cont'd)
                Okay, one hour for lunch.

184   EXT. NYC STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER                         184

      Students exit onto the street in groups. Kaufman wanders by
      himself. His face is troubled. There is no sound.

185   OMITTED                                                       185     *

186   INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER                                       186

      It's late. The audience is tired, but still attentive. Now
      Kaufman takes serious notes. McKee, energetic as ever, wears
      his sweater tied around his shoulders. We stay firmly
      planted on his face as he talks and talks.

                             MCKEE
                   Long speechs are antithetical to the
                   nature of cinema. The Greeks called it
                   stykomythia -- the rapid exchange of
                   ideas. A long speech in a script, say a
                   page long, requires that the camera hold
                   on the actor's face for a minute. Look
                   at the second hand on your watch as it
                   makes one complete rotation around the
                   clock face and you'll get an idea of how
                   intolerable that would be for an
                   audience. The ontology of the screen is
                   that it's always now and it's always
                   action and it's always vivid. And that's                 *
                   an important point. We are not
                   recreating life on the screen. Writers
                   are not tape recorders. Have you ever
                   eavesdropped on people talking in a
                   coffee shop? Then you know how dull and
                   tedious real conversation is. Real
                   people are not interesting. There's not
                   a person in this world -- and I include
                   myself in this -- who would be
                   interesting enough to take as is and put
                   in a movie as a character.

                                                         DISSOLVE TO:

187   INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER STILL                                 187

      McKee faces the audience, holding a cup of coffee.

                             MCKEE
                   The other day someone asked me if                        *
                   Michelle Pfeiffer were beautiful.                        *


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 88
187   CONTINUED:                                                   187


      He pauses theatrically, sips his coffee, then, deadpan:               *

                          MCKEE (cont'd)
                Michelle Pfeiffer is proof for the                          *
                existence of God.                                           *

      The overtired audience breaks into uproarious laughter.
      Kaufman, with dark circles under his eyes, giggles a little.

                          MCKEE (cont'd)
                Okay. That's it for tonight. Remember,
                there'll be a Q and A tomorrow morning
                before class starts.

188   INT. HOTEL - NIGHT                                            188

      In bed, Kaufman struggles with Aristotle's Poetics. There's
      a photograph of a bust of Aristotle on the book's cover.

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

189   OMITTED                                                       189     *

189A INT. KAUFMAN'S DINING ROOM - DAY                              189A     *

      Darwin and Aristotle and Kaufman have tea. It's silent and            *
      tense. Aristotle rises to stretch. He walks around the                *
      table. Out of nowhere, he smashes Darwin in the back of the           *
      head. Darwin flies face forward into the card table,                  *
      collapsing it. He turns, grabs Aristotle's foot and pulls             *
      him down. A violent fight ensues. Kaufman can't get out of            *
      the way, can't seem to move as the two men brutally bludgeon          *
      each other, smash against walls leaving bloody prints.                *

190   INT. AUDITORIUM - MORNING                                     190

      Kaufman, bleary-eyed, sits in the back.    McKee paces.

                             MCKEE
                   Anyone else?

      Kaufman timidly raises his hand.

                             MCKEE (cont'd)
                   Yes?

                             KAUFMAN
                   What if a writer is attempting to create                 *
                   a story where nothing much happens, where
                   people don't change, they don't have any
                   epiphanies. They struggle and are
                   frustrated and nothing is resolved. More
                   a reflection of the real world --                        *

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 89
190   CONTINUED:                                                     190


                          MCKEE
                The real world? The real fucking world?
                First of all, if you write a screenplay
                without conflict or crisis, you'll bore
                your audience to tears. Secondly:
                Nothing happens in the world? Are you
                out of your fucking mind? People are
                murdered every day! There's genocide and
                war and corruption! Every fucking day
                somewhere in the world somebody
                sacrifices his life to save someone else!
                Every fucking day someone somewhere makes
                a conscious decision to destroy someone
                else! People find love! People lose it,
                for Christ's sake! A child watches her
                mother beaten to death on the steps of a
                church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody
                else betrays his best friend for a woman!
                If you can't find that stuff in life,
                then you, my friend, don't know much
                about life! And why the fuck are you
                taking up my precious two hours with your
                movie? I don't have any use for it! I
                don't have any bloody use for it!

                             KAUFMAN
                   Okay, thanks.

191   EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT                                         191

      The last of the students are filing out. Kaufman waits,
      leaning against the building. McKee emerges, carrying his
      brown leather bag. A shaky, tired Kaufman approaches him.

                                KAUFMAN
                   Mr. McKee?

                                MCKEE
                   Yes?

                             KAUFMAN
                   I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.

                             MCKEE
                       (trying to recall)
                   I need more.

                             KAUFMAN
                   I was the one who thought things didn't
                   happen in life.

                             MCKEE
                   Oh, right, okay.       Nice to see you.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 90
191   CONTINUED:                                                      191


                          KAUFMAN
                I need to talk.

                          MCKEE
                I'm sorry. I can't talk to writers about                       *
                material I haven't read.                                       *

                          KAUFMAN
                Mr. McKee, my even standing here is very                       *
                scary. I don't meet people well. But                           *
                what you said this morning shook me to
                the bone. What you said was bigger than
                my screenwriting choices. It's about my
                choices as a human being. Please.

      McKee hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and puts his
      arm around Kaufman.

                             MCKEE
                   I could use a drink, my friend.

192   EXT. SWAMP - DAY                                                 192

      Laroche and Orlean slog through the water with purpose,
      looking only straight ahead. As they walk the sounds and
      colors become subdued. Soon there is silence.

                             ORLEAN (V.O.)
                   We turned to the right and saw only more
                   cypress and palm and sawgrass

      They turn left and see metal flashing in the sunlight.

                             ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
                   So we turned to the left, and there, far
                   down the diagonal of the levee, we could
                   see the gleam of a fender.

      Orlean and Laroche walk toward the car.

                             ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
                   We followed it like a beacon...

193   INT. BAR - NIGHT                                                 193

      Kaufman and McKee sit at a table with beers.    Kaufman reads
      from his copy of The Orchid Thief.

                          KAUFMAN
                ... all the way to the road.

      Kaufman closes the book.    There's a pause.


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 91
193   CONTINUED:                                                    193


                          MCKEE
                Then what happens?

                          KAUFMAN
                That's the end of the book. I wanted to
                present it simply, without big character
                arcs or sensationalizing the story. I
                wanted to show flowers as God's miracles.
                I wanted to show that Orlean never saw
                the blooming ghost orchid. It's about
                disappointment.

                              MCKEE
                       (disappointed)
                   I see.
                       (beat)
                   That's not a movie.   Maybe you've got two                *
                   acts.                                                     *

                             KAUFMAN
                       (pause)
                   I've got pages of false starts and wrong
                   approaches. I'm way past my deadline. I
                   can't go back.

      McKee sips his beer, eyes Kaufman.

                          MCKEE (cont'd)
                Tell you a secret. The last act makes
                the film. You can have an uninvolving,
                tedious movie, but wow them at the end,
                and you've got a hit. Find an ending.
                But don't cheat! Don't you dare bring in                     *
                a deus ex machina. Your characters must                      *
                change and the change must must come from                    *
                them. Do that and you'll be fine.                            *

      Tears form in Kaufman's eyes.

                          KAUFMAN
                You promise?

      McKee smiles.    Kaufman hugs him.   McKee recognizes his bulk.

                          MCKEE
                You've taken my course before?

                          KAUFMAN
                My brother did. My twin brother Donald.
                He's the one who got me to come.




                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 92
193   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 193


                          MCKEE
                Twin screenwriters. Julius and Philip
                Epstein,who wrote Casablanca were twins.

                          KAUFMAN
                You mentioned that in class.

                          MCKEE
                One of the finest screenplays ever                            *
                written.

194   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                        194

      Kaufman paces, tries to read Story. McKee's Ten Commandments            *
      is taped to the wall. As is a photo of Michelle Pfeiffer
      ripped from a magazine.

195   INT. MCKEE'S OFFICE - NIGHT                                    195

      McKee, like Darwin before him, sits at his desk and writes.

                          MCKEE (V.O.)
                Climax. A revolution in values from
                positive to negative or negative to
                positive without irony -- a value swing
                at maximum charge that's absolute and
                irreversible.

196   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                        196

      Kaufman is lost in McKee's text.   He rubs his temples.   He
      dials the phone.

                          DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
                Great writers residence.

      Caroline giggles in the background.                                     *

                          KAUFMAN
                Donald.

                          DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
                Hey, how's the trip? Gettin' it on with
                that lady journalist? You dog you!

                          KAUFMAN
                Yeah. Listen, I'm calling to say
                congratulations on your script.

196A INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                             196A     *

      Donald sits on the floor with Caroline and Catherine Keener.            *
      They drink wine and are in the middle of a board game.                  *

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 93
196A CONTINUED:                                                     196A


                         DONALD                                               *
               Isn't that cool? Marty says he can make                        *
               me, like, high-sixes against a mill-five.

                         KAUFMAN (PHONE VOICE)                                *
               That's great, Donald.

                         DONALD                                               *
               I want to thank you for all your help.

                         KAUFMAN (PHONE VOICE)                                *
               I wasn't any help.

                         DONALD                                               *
               C'mon, you let me stay in your place and
               your integrity inspired me to even try.
               It's been a wild ride. Keener says she                         *
               really wants to play Cassie!                                   *

                            KEENER                                            *
                      (jokingly, tipsy)                                       *
                  Oh, please, please, Donald, please...                       *

196B INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS                                    196B     *

                            KAUFMAN
                  What?                                                       *

                            DONALD (PHONE VOICE)                              *
                  She stopped by after work with Caroline.                    *
                  And she picked up the script and couldn't                   *
                  put it down.                                                *

                            KEENER (O.C.) (IN BACKGROUND)                     *
                  I couldn't put it down because I had glue                   *
                  on my hands!                                                *

     Keener, Caroline, and Donald laugh.    Kaufman is silent for a           *
     long moment, taking this all in.                                         *

                            KAUFMAN                                           *
                  Catherine Keener is in my house?                            *

                           DONALD (PHONE VOICE)                               *
                  Yeah. We're playing Boggle. She's                           *
                  great. You should hang out with her.                        *

                            KAUFMAN                                           *
                  Yeah. Um, look, I've been thinking,                         *
                  maybe you'd be interested in hanging out                    *
                  with me in New York for a few days.                         *



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                          pg. 94
196B CONTINUED:                                                    196B


                          DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
                Oh my God, yes!                                              *

                          KAUFMAN                                            *
                Yeah? I was going to show my script to                       *
                some people. Maybe you could read it,                        *
                too. Y'know, if you like.                                    *

                              DONALD (PHONE VOICE)                           *
                Of course!      I'm flattered!                               *

197   INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING                                      197

      Donald lies on his back on the floor intently reading the
      script. Kaufman paces. Donald finishes, is quiet.

                            KAUFMAN
                  So, like, what would you do?

                            DONALD
                  Script kind of makes fun of me, huh?

                             KAUFMAN
                  Sorry.   I was trying something.   I --

                            DONALD
                  Hey, I don't mind.   It's funny.

                              KAUFMAN
                  Okay.    Good. So, what would you do?                      *

                            DONALD
                  You and me are so different, Charles.
                  We're different talents.

                            KAUFMAN
                  I know. Just for fun. How would the
                  great Donald end this script?

                            DONALD
                      (giggling)
                  Shut up. The great Donald.
                      (serious)
                  I feel like you're missing something.                      *

                            KAUFMAN
                      (stung but covering)
                  All right. Like what?

                            DONALD
                  I don't know, man. I'm thinking,                           *
                  subtext. Y'know, who is Susan Orlean?                      *


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                           pg. 95
197   CONTINUED:                                                     197


                          KAUFMAN
                She's a journalist writing a story.

                          DONALD
                Is she? I mean, yes, of course she's
                that, but, look...
                    (picks up Orchid Thief, reads)
                "Sometimes this kind of story turns out
                to be something more, some glimpse of
                life that expands like those Japanese
                paper balls you drop in water and they                        *
                bloom into flowers, and the flower is so
                marvelous you can't believe there was a                       *
                time all you saw in front of you was a
                paper ball and a glass of water."
                    (looks up)
                First of all, she said she didn't care
                about flowers. That's inconsistent.

                             KAUFMAN
                   For God's sake, it's just a metaphor.

                          DONALD
                For what? What turned that paper ball                         *
                into a flower? It's not in the book.                          *

                             KAUFMAN
                   I don't know. You're reaching.

                             DONALD
                   Maybe, but I think you need to actually                    *
                   talk to this woman. To know her.                           *

                              KAUFMAN
                   I can't.   Really.

                              DONALD
                   I'll go.   Pretend I'm you.                                *

      Kaufman rolls his eyes.                                                 *

                             DONALD (CONT'D)                                  *
                   I want to do it, Charles. Someone's got                    *
                   to talk to her.                                            *

      A long silence while Kaufman looks his brother up and down.             *

                             KAUFMAN
                   But you've got to be exactly me. I have                    *
                   a reputation to maintain. You can't be a                   *
                   goofball. You can't be an asshole.                         *



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 96
197   CONTINUED: (2)                                               197


                          DONALD
                I'm not an asshole.

                          KAUFMAN
                You know what I mean. No flirting. No
                bad jokes. Don't laugh how you laugh.

                          DONALD
                    (sort of hurt)
                I'm not going to laugh. I get to have
                people think I'm you. It's an honor.

198   INT. ORLEAN'S OFFICE - DAY                                   198

      Orlean is behind her desk. Donald, dressed as Charlie, sits           *
      across from her, doing his best serious writer impression.            *

                          DONALD
                So, I guess I'll bring out the big guns                     *
                now.   Do you keep in touch with Laroche?                   *

      Orlean responds with what might be a practiced casualness.

                          ORLEAN
                I had a brief phone conversation with him
                when the book came out. He said, "You
                know, if you write a couple more books,
                you could become a pretty good writer."

      Donald laughs appreciatively as he scribbles on his pad.

                          DONALD
                    (flirty despite himself)                                *
                I think you're a very good writer now.                      *

                          ORLEAN
                Thanks.

                          DONALD
                The reason I ask, is that I felt I
                detected an attraction to him. In the
                subtext. Care to comment?
                          ORLEAN
                Our relationship was strictly reporter-                     *
                subject. I mean, certainly an intimacy
                develops in that type of relationship.
                You spend a lot of time together. By
                definition, I was very interested in
                everything he had to say. But the                           *
                relationship ends when the book ends.                       *

      Donald scribbles, mumbles under his breath.                           *

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 97
198   CONTINUED:                                                      198


                             ORLEAN (CONT'D)                                   *
                What?

                          DONALD
                Nothing. Okay, just one more question.                         *
                    (reading from pad)
                If you could have dinner with one
                historical personage, living or dead, who
                would it be?

      Orlean is somewhat relieved she's dealing with an idiot.                 *

                          ORLEAN
                I'd have to say... Einstein or Jesus.

                             DONALD
                Very good.     Interesting answer.                             *

199   INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY                                           199

      Kaufman paces, stares out the window, watches TV.      Donald
      enters, dressed as Charlie.

                          DONALD
                She was nervous. She's lying.

                             KAUFMAN
                   What do you mean? What happened?

                              DONALD
                   Nothing. She said all the right things.
                   Too right.

                          KAUFMAN
                Maybe they're too right because they're
                true. Did you embarrass me?                                    *

                          DONALD
                People who answer questions too right are                      *
                liars. And everybody says Jesus and
                Einstein. That's a prepackaged answer.                         *

                          KAUFMAN
                What do you mean "Jesus and Einstein"?

                          DONALD
                Listen, Charles, I have an idea. You                           *
                need to buy me a pair of binoculars.                           *

                             KAUFMAN
                   What's Jesus and Einstein?                                  *



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                             pg. 98
199   CONTINUED:                                                       199


      Donald winks, picks up a pen, holds it like a microphone, and
      sings and dances around Kaufman, who just stares at him.

                          DONALD
                    (singing)
                Imagine me and you, I do.
                    (talking)
                C'mon.
                    (singing)
                I think about you day and night --                              *
                    (talking)
                C'mon, sing with me!
                    (singing)
                It's only right to think about the one                          *
                you love and hold her tight.                                    *

                          KAUFMAN
                What the hell do you need binoculars for?                       *

200   INT. EMPTY SUITE OF OFFICES - NIGHT                               200

      Kaufman nervously watches the door.    Donald stares out the
      window with binoculars.                                                   *

                          KAUFMAN                                               *
                I don't want to be caught here.      I don't
                want to be doing this.

                           DONALD
                Leave.   I'll just stay a little longer.

      Kaufman can't step out into the hallway by himself.

                          KAUFMAN
                Well, is she doing anything at all?

                          DONALD
                Still just staring off.     Sadly.

                            KAUFMAN
                Let's go.    Let's go.

                          DONALD
                She's dialing her phone!

201   INT. ORLEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS                                 201

      We watch this in silence through the binoculars. Orlean
      waits as the phone rings. She closes her office door. A
      conversation ensues, becoming more and more agitated.

                          DONALD (O.S.)
                She's upset.

                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 99
201   CONTINUED:                                                   201


                          KAUFMAN (O.S.)
                Stop watching her. Leave her alone.

      Orlean looks out her window.    She starts to cry.                    *

202   INT. EMPTY SUITE OF OFFICES - CONTINUOUS                      202

      Kaufman paces behind Donald, who watches through binoculars.

                             DONALD
                   She's crying. She hung up the phone.                     *
                   She's at her computer.                                   *

                             KAUFMAN
                   This is morally reprehensible.

      Through binoculars we see Orlean on her computer at an online
      airline reservation site.

                             DONALD
                   United to Miami. Tomorrow morning.                       *
                       (turns to Kaufman)                                   *
                   Hmm, I thought she was done with Laroche.                *

                             KAUFMAN
                   Her parents live in Florida, Donald.

                             DONALD
                   That was no parent phone call, my friend.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Don't say "my friend."

203   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                       203

      Kaufman tries to read McKee's Story. Donald flips a pencil
      lazily in the air and reads The Orchid Thief.

                          DONALD
                Have you checked out Laroche's porn site?                   *

                            KAUFMAN
                No.    I'm trying to read.

      Donald tapes some computer keys.

                          DONALD
                Anyway, I'm gonna look at it. Research.                     *
                Heh heh. Don't tell my old lady.                            *

                          KAUFMAN                                           *
                You mean mom?                                               *


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                            pg. 100
203   CONTINUED:                                                       203


                          DONALD                                                *
                No.  I don't mean mom.                                          *
                    (waits for website to come up)
                I still say we go to Miami tomorrow.

                              KAUFMAN
                Forget it.                                                      *

                          DONALD
                    (studying website)
                Some of these chicks are okay. Hey,                             *
                guess what? We're going to Miami.                               *

                          KAUFMAN
                I said, no.

                          DONALD
                I said, oh yeah, baby.       C'mere.                            *

      Kaufman sighs, goes over to the computer.        On the screen is a
      naked photo of Orlean, posed but awkward.        Kaufman stares
      incredulously at it.                                                      *

204   INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY                                            204

      Kaufman and Donald are parked in the loading area at the
      Miami Airport, Donald behind the wheel. Orlean waits on the               *
      sidewalk with a suitcase. The beat-up white van pulls up.                 *

                              DONALD
                   Told ya.

                             KAUFMAN
                   It's so weird to see that van in real                        *
                   life.

      Orlean gets in, the van speeds off.      Donald follows.                  *

205   INT. CAR - A BIT LATER                                           205

      Donald drives, keeping up with the van, which speeds and
      swerves through traffic. Kaufman is sweaty, nervous.

206   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATER                                     206

      The van pulls into the driveway of a neat, middle-class
      house. Kaufman and Donald drive by, in time to see Orlean
      and Laroche emerge from the van. Orlean seems different now:
      more exotic. Donald parks up the street, gets out, and                    *
      watches as Laroche lugs Orlean's suitcase into the house.

                             DONALD
                   I'll get a closer look.   You wait here.

                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 101
206   CONTINUED:                                                    206


                          KAUFMAN
                    (momentously)
                No. I should go. I mean, it should be
                me, right? I mean, it's my...

                          DONALD
                Go for it, bro. You the man.

      Kaufman gets out of the car. Donald gets in, peruses
      Kaufman's script. Kaufman walks past the house, trying to
      peer in windows. He slinks around back. His eyes widen as            *
      he discovers a greenhouse filled with row upon row of ghost          *
      orchids. There's movement in a window in the house. Kaufman          *
      ducks.

                             LAROCHE (O.S.)
                   Darlin', I dunno what's come over you!

      Kaufman crawls to the window, looks in. Orlean and Laroche           *
      are laughing, kissing, undressing each other. Kaufman is             *
      heartbroken and transfixed. Orlean pulls away giggling,              *
      crawls to the coffee table, snorts some lines of green               *
      powder. Laroche waits patiently. She drags herself back to           *
      him and continues where they left off. Laroche glances at            *
      the window, locks eyes with Kaufman. He jumps up and runs            *
      naked to the back door. Orlean, oblivious, continues to rub          *
      herself. Kaufman makes a mad dash around the side of the             *
      house. Laroche cuts him off, drags him into the house.               *

207   INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                                        207

      Laroche throws Kaufman down into a chair. The chair slides
      across the floor, tips over. Laroche's new beautiful set of          *
      white teeth, have slipped. He adjusts them.                          *

                             ORLEAN                                        *
                   Who's that, Johnny?                                     *

                             KAUFMAN
                   I just... nobody, I just --                             *

                             LAROCHE
                   Who the fuck are you?

                             KAUFMAN
                   Um, I'm just... Wrong house.                            *

      Orlean studies Kaufman.                                              *

                             ORLEAN
                   You know what? It's that screenwriter.                  *
                   How did he find me, Johnny?                             *


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 102
207   CONTINUED:                                                     207


                          LAROCHE
                The guy adapting our book? Wild!                           *
                    (to Kaufman)
                Hey, dude, who's gonna play me?                            *

                          KAUFMAN
                I'm not -- I don't know that.      I should --

      Kaufman rises.    Orlean rises.                                      *

                          LAROCHE                                          *
                I thought I should play me.                                *

                          ORLEAN
                Did he follow me?       Did you follow me?                 *

                          KAUFMAN
                No, of course not.      I should go.

                          LAROCHE
                Okay. Well, it was nice to meet you.                       *
                Let me give you my number.                                 *

      Laroche begins to write his phone number.

                          ORLEAN
                I'm freaking, John.      Why is he here?
                What does he know?

                          KAUFMAN
                I don't know anything about anything.

                             LAROCHE                                       *
                   He did see the greenhouse.                              *

                             ORLEAN
                   Shit, don't let him leave.                              *

      Laroche looks at Susan, then kind of stands in Kaufman's way.        *

                             LAROCHE
                   Have a seat for a moment, 'kay?

      Kaufman does.    Orlean tries to focus.

                             ORLEAN
                   You going to put this in your screenplay?               *

                             KAUFMAN                                       *
                   I really don't know what this is.                       *

      Orlean sees Kaufman glance at the drugs on the coffee table.         *


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                    pg. 103
207   CONTINUED: (2)                                              207


                          ORLEAN
                He's lying! I mean, he's researching his                *
                script, right?                                          *

                          LAROCHE
                Good point. Why are you here?                           *

                          KAUFMAN                                       *
                I'm not sure. I was just -- I'm just                    *
                down here to see the swamp.                             *

                          LAROCHE                                       *
                Oh. Well, I don't know if I'm available                 *
                to take you in. Maybe in a week or --                   *

                          ORLEAN                                        *
                That's not why he's here!                               *

                             LAROCHE                                    *
                Why, then?                                              *

                          ORLEAN
                I don't know. I don't know.

                          KAUFMAN
                I'm pretty much going to stick with the
                book. I'm almost done, anyway. I'm                      *
                pretty clear on the structure.                          *

      Kaufman rises.

                          LAROCHE
                I believe him, Suze.                                    *

                             ORLEAN
                Hold him.                                               *

      Laroche does. Orlean massages her temples. She talks to
      herself for a while, gestures to herself. She looks up.

                          ORLEAN (cont'd)
                We have to kill him.

                             KAUFMAN AND LAROCHE
                What?

                          ORLEAN
                    (mumbling)
                I don't know.
                    (screaming)
                I don't know!



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 104
207   CONTINUED: (3)                                               207


                           LAROCHE
                Susie?

                          ORLEAN
                What are we supposed to do?    You tell me!               *

                          LAROCHE
                    (slow, deliberate)
                Susie, you need to calm down. You're                      *
                getting a little emotional and you --                     *

                          ORLEAN
                Don't talk to me like I'm a mental                        *
                patient! I hate when you do that!                         *

                           LAROCHE                                        *
                I'm not.   I'm sorry.                                     *

                          ORLEAN                                          *
                I can't have him writing aobut me. I                      *
                can't have people -- all those people --                  *
                watching my --                                            *

                          KAUFMAN
                Can I please speak?

                          ORLEAN
                Lock him in the closet.     I have to think.

                          LAROCHE
                Yeah, okay.                                               *

      Laroche escorts Kaufman to the closet as Susan paces.               *

                          LAROCHE (cont'd)
                    (quietly)                                             *
                Just for a little while, Charlie.    Sorry.               *

                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                    (trying to keep a friend here)                        *
                It's okay. I understand. Thank you.                       *

      Kaufman gets in.   Laroche closes the door.                         *

208   INT. CLOSET - CONTINUOUS                                      208

      Kaufman stands in the dark as the door is locked. He listens.       *

                           LAROCHE (O.S.)

                Susie, we can't kill anyone.                              *



                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 105
208   CONTINUED:                                                    208


                          ORLEAN (O.S.)
                Then what? Everyone will find out. My                      *
                mom! It'll be in a damn movie! I'll be                     *
                humiliated. It will ruin our thing! Us!                    *

                             LAROCHE (O.S.)                                *
                It will?                                                   *

                          ORLEAN (O.S.)
                Protect me, Johnny. Please.                                *

      There's a long sweaty silence.                                       *

                          LAROCHE (O.S.)
                There are a couple guns with my dad's
                stuff in the basement.

      Kaufman inhales sharply.

208A INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS                                     208A   *

      Laroche, in close-up, descends the basement stairs. He pulls         *
      a cord lighting a bare bulb. He sifts through a cardboard            *
      box, pulls out a stack of ancient TV guides, finds a battery-        *
      operated bartender doll, turns it on. The bartender shakes a         *
      drink, his pants fall down, his face lights up red. Laroche          *
      turns it off. He reaches into the box and pulls out a gun.           *

208B INT. LAROCHE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                        208B   *

      Orlean, in close-up, chews her fingernail and cries. Laroche         *
      can be heard ascending the creaky basement stairs. He passes         *
      behind her. She glances down at his off-screen hand.                 *

                             ORLEAN                                        *
                   Do you know how to put the bullets in?

                             LAROCHE (O.S.)
                   I think you just stick them in.   In these              *
                   holes here.                                             *

      Orlean nods her head, a little hysterically.                         *

209   INT. LIVING ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS                           209   *

      Unnoticed, in close-up, Donald watches the goings-on.                *
      Laroche and Orlean, large, blurry, pacing foreground figures,        *
      occasionally pass between Donald and the camera.                     *

                             ORLEAN (O.S.)                                 *
                   I thought maybe we'd take him to the                    *
                   Fakahatchee.                                            *
                             (MORE)

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 106
209   CONTINUED:                                                     209
                          ORLEAN (O.S.) (cont'd)
                He could be found drowned, like he was                      *
                doing research, like he slipped and hit                     *
                his head on a rock.                                         *

                          LAROCHE (O.S.)                                    *
                Okay. That sounds like a real thing that                    *
                could happen.                                               *

                          ORLEAN (O.S.)                                     *
                You have a car, screenwriter?                               *

                          KAUFMAN (O.S.)                                    *
                I, um, no, I --

                          ORLEAN (O.S.)                                     *
                Of course he does. We'll drive his car                      *
                and leave it on the side of the swamp.                      *

                             KAUFMAN (O.S.)                                 *
                   I don't have a car!                                      *

      Donald disappears from the window.

210   INT. RENTAL CAR - NIGHT                                         210

      Kaufman drives through a nice, suburban Miami neighborhood.           *
      His headlights shine on Laroche's van ahead. Orlean sits              *
      next to him, holding a gun. She skims Kaufman's screenplay.

                             KAUFMAN
                   Look, I don't care what you're doing.                    *
                   I'm really just interested in orchids.                   *

                             ORLEAN
                   Hey, here's me again!                                    *
                       (mockingly reading from screen)
                   "Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?
                   My three years in Florida meditating on
                   my inability to experience passion
                   resulted in my finding it with you."
                   Jesus, that's sort of creepy.                            *

                             KAUFMAN
                   I was just trying to do something.                       *

                             ORLEAN
                   Jerking off to my photograph. God,                       *
                   there's an image I could do without.                     *

                             KAUFMAN                                        *
                   It's a story. I didn't really do it.                     *

      They drive in silence.    Orlean reads more of the screenplay.


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                 pg. 107
210   CONTINUED:                                               210


                          ORLEAN                                     *
                Here's a good one!                                   *
                    (mocking)
                "I wanted to know what it's like to care
                about something passionately."

      Orlean laughs derisively.

                             KAUFMAN
                   You can laugh, but I didn't make that up.         *
                   That's a quote from your book.

                             ORLEAN
                   Yeah, I know, Charlie-boy. Chill. I'm
                   laughing at who I used to be. It's sad.

                             KAUFMAN
                   So now you learned about passion. From a
                   weirdo with no teeth. Bully for you.

                             ORLEAN
                   You can't learn about passion! You can            *
                   be passion. And it wasn't Johnny who              *
                   made me passion. It was orchids.

                             KAUFMAN
                   You never even cared about orchids.               *

                             ORLEAN
                   I lied about what happened at the end of
                   the book. I'll tell you the truth now.            *

                             KAUFMAN
                   Look, if you don't tell me, you don't
                   have to kill me.

                             ORLEAN
                       (considers)                                   *
                   No, I do.                                         *

                             KAUFMAN                                 *
                   We can turn around. Get a cup of coffee.          *
                   Can we do that? We can talk this out.             *
                   I'll sign anything. We can forget I ever          *
                   came here. We can do whatever you want.           *

                             ORLEAN                                  *
                   Listen, this isn't easy for me either.            *

      Kaufman stares straight ahead at Laroche's van.                *

                             ORLEAN (cont'd)                         *
                   So, we're on the way out of the swamp --          *
                                                                      pg. 108



211   EXT. SWAMP - DAY                                           211

      Laroche leads Orlean through the swamp. He spots something
      on a tree, circles it, stands there awestruck. Orlean comes
      around to see a beautiful ghost orchid hanging from the tree.

                          LAROCHE
                The jewel of the Fakahatchee.

      Orlean tries to feel some passion for it, can't.

                          ORLEAN
                It's a flower. It's just a flower.                        *

                          LAROCHE                                         *
                Might as well grab it, long as I'm here.                  *

      Laroche pulls a hacksaw from his bag.                               *

211A INT. VAN - DAY                                             211A      *

      Laroche drives.    Orlean stares out the window.                    *

                          LAROCHE                                         *
                Boy, my porn site is gonna be big.                        *

      No reaction.   They drive in silence.   Then:                       *

                          LAROCHE (cont'd)                                *
                Look, something I didn't tell you... I                    *
                want to tell you... About the ghost,                      *
                okay? I know you're going through some                    *
                shit. I think this might help you.                        *

      Orlean doesn't even acknowledge he's talking.                       *

                          LAROCHE (CONT'D)                                *
                Susan, I want you to know this. It                        *
                wasn't my thing, I'd always wanted the                    *
                ghost for the reasons I told you, but                     *
                some of the Indians...                                    *

211B EXT. SEMINOLE NURSERY TRAILER - NIGHT                      211B      *

      Laroche heads up the steps and enters.                              *

                          LAROCHE (V.O.)                                  *
                I'd just started up the nursery. I went                   *
                back one night to pick up something.                      *
                                                                  pg. 109



211C INT. TRAILER BACK ROOM - NIGHT                          211C     *

     Laroche peeks in the room. A bunch of young, stoned Indian       *
     men. Some stare off. One sings to himself. Two of the men        *
     make out. One of the men is slicing up a ghost orchid and        *
     pulverizing it. One of the men looks up and sees Laroche.        *

                           ORLEAN (V.O.)                              *
               Jesus.                                                 *

211D INT. VAN - DAY                                          211D     *

     Orlean seems interested now.                                     *

                         LAROCHE                                      *
               They wanted the ghost just to extract                  *
               their drug. It had been a ceremonial                   *
               thing, but the young guys, they liked to               *
               get stoned. As I said, I always wanted                 *
               to clone it only to sell to collectors,                *
               like I told you, but --                                *

                          ORLEAN                                      *
               Vinson.   Was he one of the --                         *

                         LAROCHE                                      *
               Sure. Vinson lived on that shit.       Till            *
               they ran out.                                          *

                         ORLEAN                                       *
               There was this day he was fascinated by                *
               me. My hair. My sadness.                               *

                         LAROCHE                                      *
               It does that. That's what I wanted to                  *
               tell you. I think you'd like it, Susie.                *
               It seems to help people be... fascinated.              *

                           ORLEAN                                     *
               Oh, fuck!    Fuck it.   Fuck Vinson!                   *

                         LAROCHE                                      *
               I can extract it for you. I know how. I                *
               watched. I'm probably the only white guy               *
               who knows. I want to do this. Y'know,                  *
               your sadness is fascinating to me, too.                *

                         ORLEAN                                       *
               I'm done with orchids, Laroche.                        *
                                                                     pg. 110



211E INT. RENTAL CAR - NIGHT                                      211E   *

     Kaufman drives. He's barely listening. He's pasty white             *
     with fear. Orlean stares out the window as they follow              *
     Laroche down a strip-malled highway.                                *

                         KAUFMAN                                         *
               I can't even really hear you. Please, if                  *
               you're not going to let me go, let me be.                 *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               I was so sad that night.   So drained.                    *

211F INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                      211F   *

     Orlean sits blankly on her bed, reviews some notes, paces.          *

                         ORLEAN (V.O.)                                   *
               I went down to the bar. Maybe I could                     *
               get laid. I didn't know. Something.                       *

211G INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT                                       211G   *

     Orlean sits at the bar sipping a glass of champagne. The            *
     place is empty. A female bartender chats and giggles on the         *
     phone. Orlean tears her cocktail napkin into tiny pieces.           *

211H INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT                                   211H   *

     Orlean, a little tipsy, emerges from the elevator and heads         *
     with some uncertainty down the generic hall, trying to              *
     remember her room number. There's a small package outside           *
     one door. Her name is written on it. This must be her room.         *

211I INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                      211I   *

     Orlean sits on her bed, talks on the phone, and stares at a         *
     little plastic baggie with green powder in it.                      *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
                   (bored)                                               *
               That sounds good, hon. So you think                       *
               you'll speak to him about it tomorrow?                    *
               No, you should, you should. He needs to                   *
               hear how you feel. All right then.                        *
               Yeah, Friday. Okay. You too.                              *

     Orlean hangs up, picks up the baggie, sniffs inside, puts it        *
     down, picks it up, pours some onto the glass-topped desk. She       *
     pulls a dollar bill from her purse, rolls it up, hovers over        *
     the green powder, stares at it.                                     *



                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                     pg. 111
211I CONTINUED:                                                 211I


                         ORLEAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)                          *
               I figured, what the fuck. I figured,                      *
               what the hell. I figured, who really                      *
               cares about anything anymore.                             *

     She snorts a small amount, stands, tries to determine if it's       *
     going to kill her. She feels nothing. She snorts the rest,          *
     stands again, tries to feel something, doesn't. She sighs.          *

211J INT. HOTEL BATHROOM - A FEW MOMENTS LATER                  211J     *

     Orlean brushes her teeth, dully watches herself in the              *
     mirror. Suddenly she becomes fixated on the white suds in           *
     her mouth, on the wonderful sensation of bristles against           *
     gum, on the scrubbing sound. A smile lights her face and            *
     toothpaste dribbles down her chin. She watches her grinning         *
     face with love. She bends in to the mirror for a better             *
     look. She giggles. She alters the rhythm of her brushing.           *
     She makes various shapes with her mouth to change the tone.         *

211K INT. HOTEL ROOM - A LITTLE LATER                           211K     *

     Orlean lies on the floor studying the carpet weave: the             *
     texture, the colors. She's never seen anything more                 *
     beautiful. She tugs at a strand, rolls it around in her             *
     fingers, sniffs it, sucks it.                                       *

211L INT. HOTEL ROOM - A LITTLE LATER                           211L     *

     The lights are off. Orlean leans her forehead against the           *
     window and stares with awe out the window at the star-filled        *
     sky. How exquisite! She cries, but not like any other               *
     crying she's done: now it's at the beauty of the universe.          *
     She tries to open the window for a better look, discovers it        *
     does not open. Her frustration quickly turns to fascination         *
     with the glass. She notices the oily imprint her forehead           *
     left on it. She makes many forehead prints on the glass.            *

211M INT. HOTEL ROOM - A LITTLE LATER                           211M     *

     Orlean lies sprawled on her back on the bed, holding the            *
     phone to her ear, listening to the dial tone. It's so               *
     beautiful. She tries to sing along with it. Suddenly she            *
     hangs up and dials "0."                                             *

                             ORLEAN                                      *
                  Hello?   Is this the operator?                         *

                            OPERATOR                                     *
                  Maybe I help you, Ms. Orlean?                          *

                            ORLEAN                                       *
                  How do you know my name?                               *

                                                       (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 112
211M CONTINUED:                                                     211M


                         OPERATOR                                          *
               This is the hotel operator, ma'am.                          *

                         ORLEAN                                            *
               I'm so embarrassed! Can you tell me, how                    *
               I get a hold of the operator operator?                      *

                         OPERATOR                                          *
               Dial nine and then zero.                                    *

                            ORLEAN                                         *
               Okay.     Thank you so much!                                *

                         OPERATOR                                          *
               Good night, ma'am.                                          *

                         ORLEAN                                            *
               Good night, ma'am, to you, too!                             *
                   (hangs up)                                              *
               She was so nice.                                            *

     Orlean dials again.                                                   *

                            SECOND OPERATOR                                *
               Operator.                                                   *

                         ORLEAN                                            *
               Hi! I was just wondering if you could                       *
               help me. I am trying to determine the                       *
               notes in your dial tone.                                    *

                         SECOND OPERATOR                                   *
               The notes in my...?                                         *

                         ORLEAN                                            *
               In your dial tone.    It's so pretty.                       *

                         SECOND OPERATOR                                   *
               I don't have any idea.                                      *

                            ORLEAN                                         *
                  Well, would it be possible to speak with                 *
                  your supervisor?                                         *

                            SECOND OPERATOR                                *
                  You'd have to call during business hours,                *
                  eight to five-thirty. But I don't think                  *
                  anyone here is going to know that.                       *

                            ORLEAN                                         *
                  You have been very helpful! Say, would                   *
                  you like to come over? After your shift?                 *


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     pg. 113
211M CONTINUED: (2)                                               211M


                         SECOND OPERATOR                                 *
               I can't really do that.                                   *

                           ORLEAN                                        *
               Okay!    You have a wonderful night!                      *

     Orlean hangs up, stares at the ceiling. She imitates a dial         *
     tone. The phone rings. She listens to it, forgets to pick           *
     up the phone. Finally she remembers.                                *

                           ORLEAN                                        *
               Hello?                                                    *

                           LAROCHE                                       *
               Hi.    It's John. Did you get my package?                 *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               John! John! John John John! Hey, John,                    *
               do you know what notes are in a dial                      *
               tone?                                                     *

                         LAROCHE                                         *
               I could figure it out.   I have perfect                   *
               pitch.                                                    *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               Oh, that would be so helpful.                             *

                         LAROCHE                                         *
               I'll get right on it.                                     *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               Don't go yet!                                             *

                           LAROCHE                                       *
               Okay.                                                     *

     There's a pause.   Orlean fingers the phone cord.                   *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               John, I'm very happy now.                                 *

                           LAROCHE                                       *
               I'm glad.                                                 *

     There's a pause.   She studies her feet.                            *

                         ORLEAN                                          *
               Johnny, did you ever wish you could use                   *
               your toes just like fingers?                              *

                         LAROCHE                                         *
               Sure, all the time.                                       *

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                   pg. 114
211M CONTINUED: (3)                                             211M


                          ORLEAN                                       *
               Really?! Me too!                                        *
                   (beat)                                              *
               I love my toes! I never let them do                     *
               anything fun! I wish they could do                      *
               activities.                                             *
                   (starts to cry)                                     *
               I want my toes to be happy.                             *

                         LAROCHE                                       *
               They will be.                                           *

                         ORLEAN                                        *
               They're my friends and I ignore them!                   *
               That's not right! I will walk on the                    *
               beach tomorrow. Then I will buy a pair                  *
               of beautiful ocean blue socks! A                        *
               souvenir of the day for my toes.                        *

                            LAROCHE                                    *
               Okay.                                                   *

                         ORLEAN                                        *
               You're so nice. Do you like socks, too?                 *

                            LAROCHE                                    *
               Yes, I do.                                              *

                         ORLEAN                                        *
               I like socks. Who invented socks?                       *

                         LAROCHE                                       *
               I have a book. My guess is they were                    *
               probably introduced in several cultures                 *
               simultaneously.                                         *

                         ORLEAN                                        *
               Huh. Isn't it amazing to think that                     *
               socks were invented at all, let alone                   *
               several times simultaneously!                           *

                         LAROCHE                                       *
               I'll find out exactly who and when.                     *

                         ORLEAN                                        *
               Did you ever see those ones with separate               *
               toes? I feel they are very wrong. I                     *
               think toes should be with their fellows.                *
                   (pause)                                             *
               Do you sleep in yours?                                  *

                          LAROCHE                                      *
               Socks?   No.                                            *

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                    pg. 115
211M CONTINUED: (4)                                              211M


                          ORLEAN                                         *
                    (excited)                                            *
                Me neither! Me neither!                                  *

      Orlean grins.                                                      *

212   OMITTED                                                      212   *

212A INT. RENTAL CAR - NIGHT                                      212A   *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                Oh, Johnny.                                              *

      Kaufman stares straight ahead.                                     *

                          KAUFMAN                                        *
                I don't want to die. Please think about                  *
                what you're doing. I'm a person, just                    *
                like you.                                                *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                We spoke all night.                                      *

212B INT. HOTEL ROOM - MUCH LATER                                 212B   *

      Orlean is on the floor, on the phone, but not talking. She         *
      stares out the window at the early morning light. Finally:         *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                    (whisper)                                            *
                Johnny?                                                  *

                             LAROCHE                                     *
                Hi.                                                      *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                It's beginning to get light here.                        *

                             LAROCHE                                     *
                Here, too.                                               *

                           ORLEAN                                        *
                Really? There you go. We're twins.                       *
                    (beat)                                               *
                Are you lonely sometimes, Johnny?                        *

                          LAROCHE                                        *
                I was a weird kid. Nobody liked me. But                  *
                I had this idea if I waited long enough,                 *
                someone would come around and just,                      *
                y'know, understand me. Like my mom,                      *
                except someone else.                                     *
                          (MORE)

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    pg. 116
212B CONTINUED:                                                 212B
                         LAROCHE (cont'd)
               I knew the universe wouldn't let me go my                *
               whole life alone like that. It'd send                    *
               someone, she'd look at me, and quietly                   *
               say, "yes", just like that. And I                        *
               wouldn't be alone anymore.                               *

     Orlean is flabbergasted.       She remains silent, then:           *

                         ORLEAN                                         *
               I once had the very same belief, John.                   *

212C INT. VAN - NIGHT                                           212C    *

     The van is parked on the beach. The back doors are open.           *
     Orlean and Laroche make love inside on a sleeping bag. The         *
     junk is pushed to the sides. Laroche seems clumsy, but             *
     Orlean is enraptured: every touch sends her further into the       *
     experience. She glances past Laroche at the moon. She sees         *
     the moonlight reflecting off the junk in the van. Everything       *
     glows with unearthly beauty: a coke can, a bag of soil, some       *
     lines of the green powder spread on a trowel. Orlean looks         *
     with love at these items, then at Laroche's straining face.        *
     She pulls him to her and kisses him.                               *

                               ORLEAN                                   *
                         (in a whisper)                                 *
                  Yes.                                                  *

     Laroche starts to cry.                                             *

212D INT. RENTAL CAR - NIGHT                                    212D    *

     Kaufman drives, pale and sweaty. They pass very few cars           *
     now. Orlean smiles, lost in her story.                             *

                            ORLEAN                                      *
                  I'd never had sex before. Not like that,              *
                  anyway. I wasn't guilty about my                      *
                  marriage. Or fantasizing about someone                *
                  else. I was just there. Alive.                        *
                  Adapting. You will not take this away.                *
                  I won't go back.                                      *

     Orlean looks hard at Kaufman, who stares straight ahead.           *

                            KAUFMAN                                     *
                  I don't want anything from you.                       *

                            ORLEAN                                      *
                  Back in New York, back on the book, I                 *
                  couldn't focus. Back, I couldn't care.                *
                                                                     pg. 117



212E INT. ORLEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT                                 212E   *

      Orlean paces.    She types at the computer standing up.            *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                    (plowing through)                                    *
                Um... and we followed it... like a                       *
                beacon... all the way to the road. Done.                 *
                    (dials phone)                                        *
                Yeah, hi. I need a ticket to Miami.                      *

213   OMITTED                                                      213   *

213A EXT. LAROCHE'S BACKYARD - DAY                                213A   *

      Laroche is inside a make-shift greenhouse tending to several       *
      immature ghost orchids. Orlean lies on the grass outside,          *
      transfixed by a colony of ants. The sun is warm on her skin.       *

                          LAROCHE                                        *
                Milking the Seminoles is cool, but we                    *
                should introduce this to the general                     *
                public, Suze. Make a shitload of change.                 *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                Boy!  I can quit writing!                                *
                    (new thought)                                        *
                I wish I were an ant. They're very                       *
                shiny.                                                   *

                          LAROCHE                                        *
                You're shinier than any ant, darlin'.                    *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever                  *
                said to me.                                              *

                          LAROCHE                                        *
                Well, I like you, is why.                                *
                    (back to business)                                   *
                The cool part is, if the gov doesn't know                *
                the drug exists, it ain't controlled. A                  *
                Laroche kind of plan, if I do say.                       *

214   INT. RENTAL CAR - NIGHT                                      214   *

      Kaufman and Orlean drive. The passing landscape is dark and        *
      wooded and swampy. There are no other cars. The only thing         *
      clearly visible is the lit-up rear of Laroche's van.               *

                          ORLEAN                                         *
                So... Our product is a small hit on the                  *
                Miami club scene.                                        *
                          (MORE)
                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 118
214   CONTINUED:                                                       214
                           ORLEAN (cont'd)
                We're going to make a fortune. We call                       *
                it "Passion." The kids call it Pash or P
                or Flower.
                    (giggles)
                Isn't that sweet?

      Up ahead, Laroche turns off the road at the Fakahatchee sign.

                          ORLEAN (cont'd)
                Follow Johnny, please.                                       *

215   EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER                   215

      Laroche's van stops in the middle of the road. His hand out            *
      the window indicates that Kaufman should pull off to the               *
      right onto a logging road. Kaufman does, pulls up to a matal           *
      barrier and parks. Laroche parks behind, blocking him in.              *

216   OMITTED                                                          216   *

217   EXT. LOGGING ROAD - CONTINUOUS                                   217

      Kaufman gets out of the car.     Orlean does also, keeping the
      gun on him.

                          ORLEAN
                Come around.

      As Kaufman comes around the car to join Orlean, he sees
      Donald, wild-eyed, on the floor in the back. Laroche is in
      the rear of his van, getting some equipment. As Orlean goes
      to meet Kaufman, Donald swings open the back right passenger
      door, hitting her and sending her flying. Laroche pokes his            *
      head out of the back of his van in time to see Donald
      grabbing Kaufman and dragging him into the swamp.

                             LAROCHE
                   Who was that?!

                             ORLEAN
                   I don't know! I didn't see!

                              LAROCHE
                   Fuck!   Help me find the flashlights!                     *

      Orlean pulls herself up and drags herself over to the van as
      Laroche is throwing things around in the messy back,
      searching for flashlights. We see the lovely Coke can.                 *

218   EXT. SWAMP - CONTINUOUS                                          218

      Kaufman and Donald slog through the black swamp, trip over             *
      unseen vines. Laroche and Orlean banging around in his van
      can be heard in the distance.

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                        pg. 119
218   CONTINUED:                                                      218


                          KAUFMAN
                For Christ's sake, why didn't you do                        *
                something while we were in the car?

                          DONALD
                My back had seized.       I couldn't move.

      Laroche and Orlean have found the flashlights and entered the
      swamp. The beams search the darkness near the brothers.               *
      Donald pulls Kaufman behind a stand of trees. They sit and
      wait in silence, breathing hard. Orlean and Laroche are               *
      heard slogging and talking in the distance.                           *

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                   It was a guy?

                              ORLEAN (O.C.)
                   Fat.   That's all I could tell.                          *

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                   This really complicates things.

      Orlean and Laroche are very close now.

                             ORLEAN (O.C.)
                   I know, John. I get that.     Thanks.

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                   We need to split up.                                     *

      Orlean and Laroche can be seen behind Kaufman and Donald now.

                             ORLEAN
                   I'm not going to be by myself out here.                  *

                                LAROCHE
                   All right.     But we've gotta hustle.                   *

      Laroche and Orlean move off.       Their voices get far away.         *

                             KAUFMAN
                   They're going to find us.

                             DONALD
                   I don't think so.

                             KAUFMAN
                   I don't want to die, Donald. I've wasted
                   my life. God, I've wasted it.

                             DONALD
                   You did not. And you're not gonna die.


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     pg. 120
218   CONTINUED: (2)                                               218


                          KAUFMAN
                I wasted it. I admire you, Donald,
                y'know? I spend my whole life paralyzed
                worrying what people think of me and you -
                - you're just oblivious.

                          DONALD
                I'm not oblivious.

                           KAUFMAN
                No, you don't understand. I say that as
                a compliment. I really do.
                    (beat)
                There was this time in high school. I
                was watching you out the library window.
                You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

                          DONALD
                Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

                          KAUFMAN
                I know. And you were flirting with her.
                And she was really sweet to you.

                          DONALD
                I remember that.

                          KAUFMAN
                Then when you walked away, she started                   *
                making fun of you with Kim Canetti. It                   *
                was like they were laughing at me. You                   *
                didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

                           DONALD
                I knew.   I heard them.

                          KAUFMAN
                How come you looked so happy?

                          DONALD
                I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine,
                that love. I owned it. Even Sarah                        *
                didn't have the right to take it away.   I
                can love whoever I want.

                          KAUFMAN
                She thought you were pathetic.

                          DONALD
                That was her business, not mine. You are
                what you love, not what loves you.
                That's what I decided a long time ago.                   *


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 121
218   CONTINUED: (3)                                                 218


      Kaufman and Donald sit there for a long while in silence.
      Kaufman starts to cry softly.

                             DONALD (cont'd)
                What's up?

                             KAUFMAN
                Thank you.

                             DONALD
                For what?

      Slogging sounds. Orlean and Laroche are getting close again.
      Flashlight beams miss Kaufman and Donald by inches.                  *

                          ORLEAN (O.C.)
                We looked here already.

                             LAROCHE (O.C.)
                No.

                          ORLEAN (O.C.)
                I recognize this tree.

                          LAROCHE (O.C.)
                Suzy, I know every tree in here.                           *

                          ORLEAN (O.C.)
                I'm thinking this is a bad idea, John.                     *

      On Orlean and Laroche.                                               *

                          LAROCHE                                          *
                What do you mean?                                          *

                          ORLEAN                                           *
                It was the Pash. My head is clearing now                   *
                and suddenly this whole idea seems                         *
                completely fucked up.                                      *

                          LAROCHE                                          *
                Well, y'know, I said that. I said this                     *
                was crazy. I tried to reason with --                       *

                           ORLEAN                                          *
                I know.   I'm sorry.                                       *

                          LAROCHE                                          *
                Yeah, anyway, what do we do now?                           *

                          ORLEAN                                           *
                Maybe we talk to the guy.      We can't go                 *
                killing people.                                            *

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 122
218   CONTINUED: (4)                                                   218


                          LAROCHE                                             *
                If you recall, that's what I said before.                     *

                          ORLEAN                                              *
                I made a mistake.      Jesus.   What do you                   *
                want from me?                                                 *

      Laroche shakes his head, mutters, then:                                 *

                          LAROCHE                                             *
                    (calling)                                                 *
                Charlie! We're not going to hurt you.                         *
                We just want to talk!                                         *

      On Kaufman and Donald.    They look at each other.      Donald          *
      shakes his head "no."                                                   *

                          ORLEAN                                              *
                We're really sorry!     It's just that...                     *

      The flashlights shine elsewhere and the voices go far away.             *

                                                              DISSOLVE TO:

219   EXT. SWAMP - EARLY MORNING                                        219

      The light is gray, pre-dawn, murky. Donald and Kaufman are
      asleep. Donald awakens, looks around. The rental car is
      still there, but there's no van. Donald nudges Kaufman. He
      wakes, looks at Donald, who indicates the missing van.

                             KAUFMAN
                They gone?

                          DONALD
                I don't know. Maybe.

      They quietly slog toward the road. There's no sign of
      Laroche or Orlean. Donald looks back and smiles at Kaufman.
      They're getting out of here. Kaufman feels a new, profound
      affection for his brother. He pats Donald on the back. It's
      an awkward tap, something never attempted before. Donald
      gives a cheerful thumbs-up without looking back. They arrive
      at the car. Donald is heading around to the passenger side
      and stops dead in his tracks. Kaufman looks over to see
      what's caught Donald's eye: there, sitting propped against a
      tree, sleeps Laroche, his rifle on the ground next to him.
      Kaufman and Donald are momentarily frozen. Then:

                          ORLEAN (O.S.)
                    (in the distance)
                John!


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 123
219   CONTINUED:                                                       219


      Kaufman and Donald whirl around to see Orlean eyeing them as
      she emerges from the van parked up the road.

                            ORLEAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                John!

      Laroche opens his eyes. With a groggy start he sees the
      identical brothers standing before him. He instinctively
      grabs for the rifle. To everyone's surprise it fires.
      Donald is hit in the arm. Donald yelps.

                            KAUFMAN
                Jesus!

      Laroche is wide-eyed, doesn't know what to do. Kaufman grabs            *
      Donald and shoves him in the driver's side door. Kaufman
      gets in behind him, closes the door and searches his pockets
      for keys. Laroche approaches the car. Kaufman finds the                 *
      keys, starts the car, backs wildly onto Janes Scenic Drive.             *

220   INT. RENTAL CAR - CONTINUOUS                                      220

      Kaufman driving.   Donald in the midst of an adrenaline rush.           *

                           DONALD
                    (laughing)
                I can't believe I got shot!       Isn't that
                fucked up?

                          KAUFMAN
                    (laughing too)
                Shut up! Stop laughing.     Are you okay?

                            DONALD
                Yeah!    It's cool!   I'm shot!

                          KAUFMAN
                We gotta get you to a hospital.                               *

      They pass Orlean next to the van.    She follows them with eyes         *
      spaced on pash.

                          DONALD                                              *
                Jesus, Give me some of that shit.       That
                looks nice. Let's party!

      Kaufman and Donald both crane their necks to watch her recede
      as they drive the swamp road. Then, from around a curve, a
      ranger truck comes barreling. The vehicles collide and spin
      violently around. The driver's side airbag deploys. Donald
      flies through the windshield. Kaufman regains his bearings
      and sees his brother halfway out the car, the front of his              *
      body a bloody mess.                                                     *

                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 124
220   CONTINUED:                                                    220

      Kaufman hurries around the car to Donald, who is conscious,         *
      but fading fast. Kaufman tries to keep him awake, at the            *
      same time watching out for Orlean and Laroche.                      *

                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                Donald, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna                  *
                be okay. Just don't go to sleep.                          *

      Donald's eyes close.    Kaufman starts to sing.                     *

                          KAUFMAN (cont'd)                                *
                Imagine me and you. I do.                                 *

                          DONALD AND KAUFMAN                              *
                I think about you day and night.                          *
                It's only right. To think about the one                   *
                you love...                                               *

      Donald is dead. A battered-looking, dazed Mike Owen emerges         *
      from the ranger truck, sees the two Kaufmans, is confused.          *
      Kaufman stares at the body. Orlean approaches Mike Owen from        *
      behind. Her mouth is open; she looks horrified, fascinated,         *
      at the body of Donald. Mike Owen reaches into his truck and
      grabs the C.B.

                          MIKE OWEN                                       *
                We need help here. Logging road twelve.                   *
                Bad car accident. Is anyone there?                        *
                Terry? Terry, wake the hell up and --                     *

      Orlean shoots Mike Owen in the back of the head. He slumps          *
      to the ground, leaving Orlean and Kaufman staring at each
      other. Orlean's eyes well with tears. She can't look down           *
      at Owen. As Kaufman and Orlean stare at each other, it's            *
      obvious to both that this has gone beyond the point of no
      return. Kaufman must be next. He bolts into the swamp. She          *
      follows.

                             ORLEAN
                Johnny!

      Laroche, approaching from down the road, sees Kaufman running
      into the woods. He angles in to cut him off.

221   EXT. SWAMP - CONTINUOUS                                       221

      Laroche and Orlean, running from two different directions,
      gain on Kaufman and limit his options. Kaufman finds himself        *
      up against a lake. Alligators swim in it. There's nowhere           *
      to go. Orlean and Laroche arrive, stop, heave. The three
      stare at each other. Laroche walks toward Kaufman.                  *




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 125
221   CONTINUED:                                                  221


                          LAROCHE                                         *
                I'm sorry I have to do this, dude. I'm                    *
                not a killer. But put yourself in our --                  *

      Laroche steps on something - An alligator: it awakens,              *
      startled and angry, and reflexively grabs Laroche's leg. His        *
      rifle fires at nothing. Orlean screams. The alligator               *
      pulls Laroche to the ground and tears him apart. Kaufman            *
      watches. Orlean turns her gun on the creature, shooting             *
      crazily until it's dead. Laroche is dead. Orlean looks at           *
      his body, drops her gun, stunned, then looks to Kaufman.            *

                          ORLEAN                                          *
                    (screaming)                                           *
                You fat piece of shit! He's dead, you                     *
                hack! You ruined my life! You loser!                      *
                You're a goddamn fat, hack! You hear me?                  *
                What do you want?! What do you want from                  *
                --                                                        *

                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                Shut up! Shut up! My brother's dead,                      *
                you psychotic bitch! Your book ruined my                  *
                life! You're just a lonely, old,                          *
                desperate, pathetic drug addict!                          *

                          ORLEAN                                          *
                    (suddenly weeping)                                    *
                Oh my God. Everything's over. I did                       *
                everything wrong. I want my life back.                    *
                I want it back before it got all fucked                   *
                up. Let me be a baby again. I want to                     *
                be new. I want to be new.                                 *

      Orlean collapses into a heap, sobbing. Kaufman watches,             *
      suddenly feeling so much for this person, this concept turned       *
      flesh before his eyes. The sun is rising. She glows.                *

                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                Your writing. It helped me. Your book                     *
                didn't ruin my life at all. Okay?                         *

                          ORLEAN                                          *
                Writing's a lie. Everything is a lie.                     *

                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                No. I think it can touch people. Like                     *
                if it expresses how it is to be lonely,                   *
                that helps other people feel not so                       *
                lonely, maybe.                                            *




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                       pg. 126
221   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 221


                            ORLEAN                                          *
                  I just wanted, I just wanted, I just                      *
                  wanted...                                                 *

      There's a silence.    Then:                                           *

                            KAUFMAN                                         *
                  What did you want?                                        *

                            ORLEAN                                          *
                  I just wanted. That's all. I just                         *
                  didn't want to die living the life I was                  *
                  living.                                                   *

                            KAUFMAN                                         *
                  You tried to find something better for                    *
                  yourself. That's a good thing, Susan.                     *

                            ORLEAN                                          *
                  Thank you for saying that.                                *

                            KAUFMAN                                         *
                  You found somebody you loved. You                         *
                  followed your heart and you loved and --                  *

                             ORLEAN                                         *
                  Johnny.                                                   *

      Orlean picks up Laroche's rifle and shoots herself.                   *

222-223 OMITTED                                                   222-223   *

224   INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY                                    224

      Kaufman and his mother are putting Donald's belongings in
      boxes. They look at each other from across the room.
      Wordlessly, they meet in the middle and hug, both crying.             *

                            MOTHER
                  You should get some furniture, I think.                   *

                             KAUFMAN
                  Yeah.   I'm going to do that, mom.

                            MOTHER
                  I worry about you, Charles.                               *

                            KAUFMAN
                  I know. I'm going to get a couch, some
                  overstuffed chairs, a coffee table. Make
                  it really comfortable in here.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     pg. 127
224   CONTINUED:                                                   224


                          MOTHER
                Then you could entertain.

                          KAUFMAN
                That sounds good.

225   INT. MARGARET'S OFFICE- DAY                                   225

      Kaufman knocks on the open door.

                          KAUFMAN
                Knock knock.                                              *

      Margaret looks up.

                             MARGARET
                Char-lay!

      She jumps up from her desk and runs to him, hugs him.

                          MARGARET (cont'd)
                I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.

                             KAUFMAN
                Thanks.     Thank you.

      She look compassionately into his face. He meets her gaze.          *
      She closes the door and brings him to the couch. They sit.

                          MARGARET
                I was going to call when I heard, but --
                I don't know. Then it got to be too long                  *
                and then I couldn't. I'm just stupid.                     *

                          KAUFMAN
                No, I understand, really.                                 *

                          MARGARET
                You able to work at all, sweetie?                         *

                          KAUFMAN
                Hey, I'm almost done!

                             MARGARET
                Great!     Please let me read it when you're              *
                ready.     That's all I ask in this life.                 *

                          KAUFMAN
                Listen, Margaret, I came by for a reason.
                    (deep breath, quickly)                                *
                          (MORE)



                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                         pg. 128
225   CONTINUED:                                                       225
                          KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                I wanted to tell you I think you're
                lovely and wonderful, and I've never been
                able to say it because I was afraid to
                find out you didn't feel the same.                           *

      Kaufman pauses and tries to read Margaret's reaction.       He         *
      can't, so he plows on.                                                 *

                          KAUFMAN (cont'd)
                But I guess I realize now ,um, I can love                    *
                you, y'know, anyway. I don't have to                         *
                get anything back. I mean, I'm not                           *
                saying you don't give me anything back.                      *
                I'm not saying that at all. I'm just                         *
                saying, I'm glad you're in the world.                        *
                    (laughing, embarrassed)                                  *
                So, thanks for being in the world,                           *
                Margaret. Okay then.

                          MARGARET
                Wow, Charlie. Wow.      I don't know what to
                say.

                          KAUFMAN
                It's okay. I'm glad I know you is all.
                I'll send you the script when it's done.

                          MARGARET
                That sounds good. Hey, thanks for
                telling me, being honest. That's really
                great.

      Kaufman smiles, gets up.                                               *

                          MARGARET (cont'd)                                  *
                You're a great guy.                                          *

226   INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER                                   226   *

      Kaufman, in the parking garage, waits in line with his                 *
      validated ticket. The attendant takes it and Kaufman pulls             *
      onto the street. Margaret appears in front of his car,                 *
      looking a little pale. Kaufman rolls down his window.                  *

                              KAUFMAN
                   Hey.   What's up?

      She approaches, nervously kisses him.    He looks at her.              *

                             MARGARET
                   I kinda thought maybe I could play hooky
                   today. Stupid job. What do you think?



                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      pg. 129
226   CONTINUED:                                                    226


                          KAUFMAN                                         *
                Um, that sounds good.    I've never played                *
                hooky before.                                             *

      Margaret smiles, runs around the front of the car, and hops         *
      in the passenger side. They drive off, both staring ahead,
      both sweetly anxious on this new adventure.

                                                       FADE TO BLACK.

227   WHITE TEXT ON BLACK SCREEN:                                   227

        "We're all one thing, Lieutenant. That's what I've come
        to realize. Like cells in a body. 'Cept we can't see
        the body. The way fish can't see the ocean. And so we
        envy each other. Hurt each other. Hate each other.
        How silly is that? A heart cell hating a lung cell."
                         - Cassie from The Three

                   In Loving Memory of Donald Kaufman
                                    THE END
